Things I never thought I would experience as a mom

1. Getting thrown up on. Not just on my shirt, but down my leg, down my shirt into my bra, and in my hair. It was so bad that it pooled in my flip flop. My flip flops are currently soaking in the sink.


2. Less than 2 hours of sleep. The last time that I got less than 2 hours was in high school at the church over nighter. The morning after was rough. My life is one big morning after.


3. Not leaving the house after 6 pm. My life revolves around my son getting a good night sleep.


4. Not going on dates with my husband. Because that would mean leaving the house past 6 pm. For further explanation see #3.


5. More laundry that God himself could possibly ever clean. I have said it once and I will say it again, how can one child exponentially increase my loads of laundry. He is ONE LITTLE MAN!


6. Being touched, grabbed, poked, prodded, sucked on, snuggled, tugged at and groped every waking moment of the day, and no, not by my husband. That would be a welcome change. But by the end of the day I am too tired. For further explanation see #2


7. Poop, poop and more poop. Up his back, in his hair, down his leg. My child can poop. If there were an Olympic event on pooping, my child would win hands down. Because he could poop circles around any baby that dared go against him.


8. Insanity. Yes I am going crazy. Because in the middle of the night, I hear imaginary crying. I think I hear Dylan, I go into his room, and he is still and quiet. There are times that I know I have gone totally bonkers because I will hear Dylan while I am napping, I will sit up, listen again, and then realize that Jeff took Dylan to the store so I could rest. But I swear to you that I hear my baby's cries. Wow, I really am crazy.


9. A lightning fast baby who can crawl up the stairs in 3.4 seconds. I timed him. Okay that's a lie, but he is fast. Turn your head for a second and he is already out of the room and headed for the stairs. This is also why I lose weight so quickly. I chase this little climber all over the house.


10. Breastfeeding in public. Yes, I know, those of you that know me, know that I will totally feed him in the middle of a busy mall no problem. But I used to be way more terrified to show any part of my boob, side, top, anything. But, because Dylan literally refuses to be covered, I had to deal with it if I ever wanted to leave the house. Now, I would breastfeed in the middle of Times Square on New Years Eve. Because in my opinion, it is the most natural thing ever.


11. Eating anything I want and not gaining weight. This has not happened since high school. I used to be able to eat everything in sight and then fit into a size 4 jean. Okay fine I was a 6, but still. Today, because I have the little eating machine attached to my boob (in the middle of Times Square) at all times, I can eat anything. Tonight before dinner, I ate 6 handfuls of chocolate chips. Then for dinner I had a piece of pizza. Then I topped it off with a bowl of ice cream. And I am still not done eating for the night. I may have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or double stuf oreos, or brownies, or mashed potatoes, or garlic bread, or I could have chips and salsa. Wait, what was I talking about? I forgot. I am going to go raid the kitchen.

When I am stressed I.....

1. Talk, a lot. So much in fact that the people around me get annoyed. And not just normal annoyed, tune me out and want to hurt me annoyed. You think I talk a lot on a normal basis? Just wait...


2. Drink caffeine. Because I feel like I need more energy to deal with my a) screaming child b) my fussy child, and c) my overly tired child. This of course does not help with #1. Because as you can imagine, with more caffeine, I am likely to talk for hours on end without breathing. It has been known to happen.


3. Clean. Yes, I am Monica Geller. I clean obsessively when I am stressed. This is good because a) I am burning calories and b) the house gets super clean. Yep, heath inspector clean.


4. Want so badly to step into a hot bath with bubbles and tune out the world, but the little man that refuses to sleep, eat, or do anything remotely relaxing won't let me relax. Therefore, I turn to #'s 1-3


5. Mostly, though, when I am stressed, I eat. And let's be honest. This girl can eat. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, brownies, ice cream, string cheese (I know that this is not terribly exciting, but I don't pull it apart, I just shove the whole thing in my mouth. It is not attractive), oreos - double stuf, of course, chocolate chips (because they are the only chocolate in the house and better than nothing), crackers, chips and salsa. You name it, I will eat it when I am stressed.


The reason that I tell you this is because my child is currently fussing it out in his crib. He has been cranky all day long. He is overly tired. He is so tired in fact that he refuses to nurse, rest, sleep, or be calm. I have already had 2 brownies. These brownies were made less than an hour ago. They are supposed to be saved for tomorrow night bible study. Oops. This is why I do not have sweets in the house. Because they last all of 20 minutes before the shear temptation and smell over takes me and I give in and eat them. When I am stressed, the smell and temptation take over in less than 5 minutes. It is really quite a thing to behold.


The other reason I tell you this is because my house is perfectly clean. There is nothing to clean. Therefore I had to resort to eating. I blame my fat butt on the clean house. Stupid house.

Things I miss since becoming a mom

1. Sleeping in. This will always be on the top of every list. I love to sleep. Love it.

2. Martinis. I have not had a martini (a really good pomegranate one) for 2 years. We bought a Costco bottle of vodka right before we got pregnant. Note to those of you trying to get pregnant: buy a huge bottle of liquor. I think I found out I was pregnant with Brendan 2 weeks after we bought it. I only had one glorious martini. Sigh.

3. My cute body. Let's be honest. I am still a hot momma (and a very modest one) but the flimsiness and flabbiness I am told will never truly be gone. I have made my peace.


4. Taking naps. Alone.


5. Going to the bathroom. Alone.


6. Taking a shower. Alone.


7. Having unscheduled intimate moments with Jeff. How sad is it when you have to put sex on your calendar? 


8. Going out past 6 in the evening. Bed time is 7:30 for Dylan. The only exception is Wednesday night bible study. And that is only because we love our bible study group.


9. Only doing 3 loads of laundry a week. I hate laundry. Jeff and I used do a load of towels, a load of whites and a load of darks a week. That's it. Now I do at least 1 load a day of clothes and a load of diapers.


10. Eating a hot meal. Or getting to eat at all. Miraculously I have not lost a ton of weight with this method. I must eat in my sleep.


11. Watching tv without worrying that I am corrupting my child's innocence. I am so sick of Cars and Elmo. I just want to watch Sex and the City and not worry that Samantha is going to say (or do) something totally inappropriate.


12. Jeff turning to me and saying "Hey, let's go get a shake." or "Hey, you want to go (fill in the blank)?" and us actually being able to leave. The furthest we have gone without Dylan is to the mailbox, or to the backyard. Yeah I know, all you couples without kids, you are jealous of our crazy lives.


I may not get to pee alone, but, since becoming a mom, I have laughed so hard that I have almost peed my pants.

Reasons why I could never be the next Bachelorette

Ok, so besides the obvious that I am happily married, here are a few more reasons:


1. I will never look that good in a bikini. Ever.


2. I am not a tramp. I have kissed a few guys. I have had boyfriends. But I am not a fan of kissing more than one guy in a week. Or a day. Or in an hour.


3. I can't pin on a boutonniere. I would either stab myself or the guy. Chris would have to hand out band-aids behind me.


4. I am a people pleaser. I hate making people sad. Which means that each rose ceremony would be awful. I would probably tear roses in half just to have enough for everyone.


5. I would giggle uncontrollably when Chris offered us the "fantasy suite". Even if I didn't have my morals, I would still not take the key because my mother would be watching the show. I am not about to let her see me act like a hussy.


6. I wear jeans and flip flops all the time. I am not about to walk around Hong Kong in high heels. 


7. I would love having all the cameras around, because you know I love the attention. But I would also not be able to stop asking if I looked fat. The camera adds 10 pounds, you know.


8. I love having attention (see #7) and would very much enjoy having 20 guys vying for my attention. But I would have a problem sending them home. Unless one of them was Bentley. He has got to go.


9. I don't stand over bridges and contemplate life quietly with cameras around. I get things done. I don't get all weepy thinking about my past loves.


10. I talk too much. ABC doesn't have enough available air time to run all the important stuff I have to say.

I dodged a bullet

Tonight I was listening to KLOVE radio on the way home from church. A man called up to ask for prayer. He said that his wife was pregnant and they lost the baby at 34 weeks. His wife developed HELLP syndrome and in addition to losing their baby, his wife is in critical condition.


I had HELLP syndrome with Dylan. I knew that it could be serious, but I didn't realize it could be life threatening. 


After I heard this husband on the radio talk about his situation, they played a song that says "Forever you are faithful, forever you are strong, forever you are with us, Forever." 


God is always with us. He may not give us the outcome we want. We may lose a loved one. 


He may put his healing hand over us and give us a healthy baby and keep us safe despite the doctors thinking otherwise.


But no matter what, God is with us.


I know that there are some of you that are going through the loss of a loved one. I have friends that have husbands overseas. I have a dear friend who's husband is going to be going overseas soon. Some of you are dealing with sickness. We all have something. But God is always there. Even when it seems hopeless. 


When Brendan was on this earth and sick and having surgery upon surgery, there were days that things seemed hopeless. But then God would give me a simple reminder of his faithfulness. No matter what, it is all apart of his plan. 


Call upon the Lord and he will give you peace.


The man on the radio is named Tim and his wife's name is Nancy. Please pray for them today.

My life in tv....

1. My So Called Wife- Poor Jeff, I am but a chubby, flabby version of my former self.

2. So You Think You Can Crawl?- Dylan has started crawling. He is into everything. He is fast, too. Don't turn your back, otherwise he will eat your cell phone. It is funny because he always leaves one leg dragging behind. He is a little gimpy. :)

3. Real Housewives of Knoxville- Lunch at Chick Fil A, play dates in the park, and shopping trips to Wal-Mart. Life is glamorous. The real high class days, I go to Target.

4. The Biggest Pooper- This one speaks for itself. (Dylan, not me.....)

5. Ugly Mommy- Dark circles, messy hair, and spit up on every outfit I own.

6. Extreme Makeover Home Edition- Every day is a home makeover. By the end of the day, the house has gone from messy, toys everywhere, spit up all over the carpet, to toys cleaned up, carpet salvaged, and spic and span!


7. 29 and Chubby- Yep, that's me. You have 2 kids in 2 years and tell me what your stomach looks like after the whole ordeal.


8. Law and Order Special Discipline Unit- Dylan don't touch that! Oh no not mommy's purse! Every day little man is exploring and learning. I just laugh and then realize that I should have baby proofed the house before now.


9. The Secret Life of an American Mother- some days I don't get out of my pjs. I will not wash my hair for a couple days, throw a flower in it and call it a day. Sometimes I will not take a shower. I will just throw on more deodorant and pray for the best.


10. The Late Late Show with Carrie Plemons- Yep, that show has been on for 9 months now, and I am guessing it will continue to air for another 18 years....

Why I love staying at my in laws house

1. The food. Last night for dinner we had steak. Not just any steak, farm raised beef from their farm. I had filet mignon. It was amazing. This morning I am going to make eggs. Eggs that were laid from their chickens last night. Yummy!


2. Babysitters 24/7. Hey Carrie, want a nap? Want to pee alone? Want to take a shower without a child banging on the shower doors? Go for it!


3. Jeff's mom keeps a cookie jar. All the time. She is the best grandma ever! Dylan is going to love coming here once mommy lets him eat cookies. For now, I love coming here....although my weigh in at Weight Watchers is going to be tough this week, but whatever, I only had three. :)


4. They have cable. I finally get to catch up on my reality tv shows. The ones that aren't on Hulu like all the Bravo shows. Love it.


5. They have chickens. We get to feed the chickens. Dylan loves to feed the chickens. Well, he loves to watch mimi feed them.


6. Right next to the chickens are the cows. The cows that I am going to enjoy next fall. I have already selected my filet....


7. They have a Costco here. I am going to stock up. On what I do not know. But I am sure they are selling something that I just have to have. :)


8. They have a huge house. It is gorgeous. It is relaxing and the back porch looks out onto a pasture. The front porch looks out onto a field and the neighbors pasture and his 100 cows. If you squint, you can almost forget what century you are in.


9. Today I am getting a pedicure. This is kinda the same thing as #2, because Jeff and his mom are going to watch Dylan while I sit and get a foot rub and zone out.... Ahhhh


10. They have a scale. I have not owned a scale since I married Jeff. I left mine at my mom's house. So, it is nice to come here and make sure that the oreos have not completely taken over my body. And it is fun to see how much weight I lose breastfeeding. So far about 50 pounds from the final weight right before Dylan was born. I know, I know, I was a cow. Just go ahead and throw me out on the pasture.... :)


11a. It is like a mini vacation every time we come. I love it.


11b. I forgot one thing. They have Charmin toilet paper here. It is like wiping your tushy with a cloud. I love it. Not only do I get a mini vacation, but my tush does, too. :)


Well I have to go now and get ready for my pedicure. :) It's okay, you can be jealous.