The Scale of Disgustingness

This is the scale of disgusting things that I have experienced in my one year of motherhood. The list goes from bad to worse, enjoy:


1.  Spit up


2. Getting spit up on


3. Pee


4. Getting peed on


5. Throw up


6. Getting thrown up on


7. Poop


8. Getting pooped on


9. Diarrhea


10. I think you can guess. And yes, I have been pooped on by both Brendan and Dylan. 


Brendan pooped on me while he was at home with us. I took off his diaper and didn't have the clean one ready. This little man who was on painkillers, anti-seizure medicine, and was generally weak, projectile pooped all over me, the couch and my pants. The first thought I had was not, "Oh No! The couch" or "Poor Brendan, is he sick?". It was, "Thank you Lord that I am wearing Jeff's pants."


To my friends that are pregnant, or have just had their babies, congrats, I wish you many smiles, and few of the things listed above. :)

My poopy little angel :)

Carrie's "cry it out" method

Those of you that know me know that I am not a fan of the cry it out method. It is just too hard for me. Call me weak, call me whatever you like, but I just can't do it.


There are, however a few times when it is totally okay to let your child scream. Please allow me to explain:


1. When you are in the car. Listen little man, I know that you are fed, changed and generally taken care of. So this crying thing is because you are bored. If I cried every time I was bored, my biology teacher in high school would have hated me even more than he did.


2. When you buckle your child into a car seat. I worked really hard to get you here to this earth safe and sound (9 months feeling fat and bloated, swollen ankles, you get the idea) and I am not about to throw away all that work just because you have all of a sudden decided that you are too cool for a seat belt. I have to wear one, and I think that I am pretty cool. Although I do own a station wagon, and I own 4 pairs of sweatpants that I wear often, and I.....wait, don't think you can distract me. This is about you buddy! You are going to be strapped into that seat if for no other reason than if you aren't, I know that you will climb into the front seat and jump all over me and stick your fingers in my nose and ears and you will pull down my shirt and just generally annoy me. Listen, I love you dearly, but in the car it is mommy time. I am allowed to ignore your cries in the car, because I am not about to pull over on the side of the road on the I-40 and get run over or approached from some crazy old man who asks me if I need help. Trust me Dylan, I am doing this for your own good, too.


3. When you change a diaper. We all have kids that hate getting their diaper changed, we also have a kid that every once in a while will scream bloody murder while you are trying to get poop out of every crack and crevice of their chubby little bodies. I am not going to let you sit in a pile of your own stink. I know that you don't care, but I do. You wreak. You can scream as much as you want, the neighbors already think that I am a terrible mom because I drive a station wagon and wear sweatpants. So who cares if they hear you scream, it won't be the last time. At least not until you are potty trained and can clean your own fat little tushy.


4. When it is business time. Yes, I went there. If Dylan wants a little brother or sister to torment in a couple years, then he is going to have to sit in his crib if he wakes up early from his nap and cry. I love you, darling, but trust me, one day you will understand. Since this *ahem* business transaction doesn't occur often in our house, I can guarantee little man, that it won't last long. You won't be crying for long. Just wait for a couple minutes. Trust me, it makes mommy and daddy a whole lot happier.


5. When you are in the shower. There is nothing worse than having a crying child while you are shampooing your hair. Listen kiddo, I haven't showered in like 2 days because you like being at my side 24/7. I wreak. I have smell lines coming off of me. All I want is a shower. I want to wash my hair, shave my disgustingly hairy legs and come out looking and smelling like my pre-baby self. When you cry while I have shampoo in my hair and soap all over, you are going to be left for a minute to cry. I would rather you sit and cry for a minute than have CPS called on me for dropping a baby on a hard floor. Trying to comfort you while covered in soap with shampoo dripping in my eyes is only going to hinder my abilities as a mom. Trust me little man, it is best for both of us if I leave you to cry. Just don't wipe your snot on me after I get out. Because as we both know, it will be at least 2 days before I can wash it off.

Carrie In Real Life - The lowdown on my new website

Let's face it. I will talk about anything. You want to talk about childbirth? I will give you the gory details about how sometimes poop comes out when you push, and how afterwards, you may not be able to poop for days.


You want to talk about babies? They poop, too. A lot.


You want to talk about marriage? Husbands poop, too you know. More than your baby.


You want to talk about being sick? I have been so sick before, that.....wait. There are just somethings a lady doesn't talk about. Thankfully I am not so lady like. It drives my mom and my mother in law crazy. I overshare.


My website "Carrie In Real Life" (which is still in the development stage) will address the many aspects of my life. One of the biggest, apparently, is poop. Hey, you try living with a husband and a young little boy, your life will be filled with crap, too!


My point is that life is just too short not to share with friends. So, if you have had an embarrassing thing happen to you at work, allow me to sympathize with you. You can rest assured that if it is embarrassing, obnoxious, or if it involves poop, it  has happened to me, and I was stupid enough to blog about it for everyone to see. You may laugh at me. Because, frankly, I am still laughing at myself.

Birthdays

Dylan's first birthday was Friday. He wore his brother's 3 month birthday hat. Below is a side by side of both of them wearing the hat. I think that you can tell that they are brother's, what do you think?


Dear Brendan, Thanks for sharing the hat with your brother, he hated wearing it. You didn't seem to mind. But he tried everything to get it off of his head. Seeing him in the hat made me think of your 3 month birthday. That was a fun night and I am glad that we celebrated. We had the party on Tuesday and on the following Saturday you were in heaven. I am so very very glad that we took the time to celebrate the small things. I wish that we had more time with you, but I am so glad that you are no longer in pain and that you are in heaven with Jesus. We should all be so lucky!


Being your mommy taught me to appreciate the small things. Whenever Dylan wakes up in the middle of the night, I try to imagine how I would feel if I knew that I only got to hold him one more time. I try to imagine how I would act if I knew that he only had weeks to live on this earth. I try to cherish every minute with him just as we tried to with you. I am so thankful that your brother is healthy and happy. I thank God for this gift everyday. I thank him for you, as well. I love you Brendan.


Love, mommy

Things I know a lot about

1. Oreos. Mainly the Double Stuf variety.


2. Child birth. I have done it twice. Once with an good epidural, and once with an epidural that wore of after 20 minutes. You want to know about what happens before, during, and after? You come to me. Not only have I done it twice, but I am not afraid to talk about the gross stuff. Sorry mom, I know that I am not very lady like when it comes to that stuff, but they say that well behaved women rarely make history!


3. Miscarriages. I have had three. I believe that God gave me these trials for a reason. I have had several friends come to me after they have had miscarriages to talk. I am thankful that something good can come out of it.


4.Orange County. Yes, I grew up there. It was awesome. Be jealous, it is okay. I went to the beach every day and had the best tan. Okay that is a lie, I was totally butt white and went to the beach once in a while. Mainly I hung out at In N Out or Del Taco. Yummmmmmmm


5. Breastfeeding. Most is from personal experience. But some of it is just from reading. You can call me Mrs. Cow. And yes, for those of you wondering, I plan to breastfeed Dylan until he is 14 years old. He will also be rear facing in a 5 point harness car seat until 14 years old as well. 


6. Overprotective parenting. J/K.


7. The movie Cars. Ask me anything. I can literally quote the entire movie from beginning to end. So can Dylan. His first sentence will probably be "I'm happier than a tornader in a trailer park!"


8. Food. Well, mostly junk food. Although I do enjoy healthy eating. We try to eat organic and whole foods at our house. Double Stuf Oreos are not a whole food or organic, I know, but I can cram the whole oreo in my mouth! That has to count for something.


9. Friends. No, not friends, although I have several of those. I mean FRIENDS. Ask me anything about this 10 season long tv show. I have been watching it on DVD for years. I have a tv in Dylan's room to watch it while I nurse him at night. It is the only way that I can stay awake during those 3 am feedings. In the year since Dylan has been born I have watched every episode at lest 6 times.


10. Sleeping. I am a pro. Mainly about the lack of sleeping. See # 9. I am up so often that I know every episode inside and out. I am also a pro at covering dark circles, napping anytime, anywhere, and drinking caffeine.

Yes, I am an 80 year old woman

So apparently I write too much for the 425 word limit on facebook. So I decided to share it on here. Because we all know that I like to share info. And more info is good, and too much info is what I do best.

So, I went to the doctor today for my back. She told me to take it easy, not lift anything heavy, and have someone pick up Dylan for me so I can rest my back. She is new to the practice, can you tell?

Well, in her defense I was carrying Dylan in the sling when she walked in, but hold him is not the problem, it is lifting him. But whatever.

I am pretty sure that "not lifting Dylan" is not an option. Because the last time I checked, nanny services are not covered by insurance. Although I kinda wish they were because I could totally use a full night's sleep, and someone to clean the house, and someone to cook for me, and run errands.

But alas, I live in the real world. I cannot take a break from motherhood. I cannot simply not hold my child. I refuse to not carry him in the sling, I refuse to ignore him and not lift him and snuggle. I am a mommy and if back pain is part of the deal, then I will just suffer through it.

In the meantime I am totally annoyed with my doctor. How lame do you have to be? When I told her that I have to pick up my baby and take care of him she shrugged. She told me that I need to rest. I think that some doctors need to get their heads out of the books and adapt their diagnosis to real life! GAH!

How my life is like the Jersey Shore

1. All day everyday it is GTL: grumpiness, tantrums, and laundry.


2. I am also tan. Not by choice, but because I forget to put sunscreen on myself, I usually just worry about Dylan. Hey, at least he doesn't get burned.


3. Like Snooki, I also have big hair. Tennessee humidity + exhaustion + not being able to take a shower without a 10 month old crawling into the tub = big hair in a bun on a daily basis.


4. There is lots of crying in my house as well. Although to be fair, Dylan is more mature than those kids any day of the week.


5. Drama. My life has lots of drama. Hey MTV, make a show about my life and pay me $250,000 an episode. I guarantee people would watch. Besides, I am way hotter than Snooki! JWOW, maybe not, but Snooki? Come on!


6. We also have nicknames in my house: Dylan is Dyls, Dill pickle (thanks auntie Heather), and little man. Jeff and I call each other bubbers. It all started when we would call each other baby, then it evolved into bubbers, because apparently baby wasn't cute enough. What? you think The Situation has a better nickname? At least my nickname doesn't have a THE in the beginning. GAH!


7. And finally, here are some nicknames we are currently trying out in my house:


Jeff: Jeffy P
Dylan: Sticky Situation
Me: Mom-WOW (because I am mom and I can do anything!)