I have heard many times before that God never gives you more than you can handle but I haven’t truly understood it until now.
It’s been half a year. Six months ago today, my son passed away. How crazy is that? I feel like it was yesterday, yet it does feel like so much has happened since then.
In the past months, I have reflected on just how perfect God’s timing is. He never gives us more than we can handle-although it seems like way too much at the time, trust me!
I remember the day that Brendan was born. The doctor gave us the news about his heart, how he needed surgery, how it looked like he had cysts on his brain, and the genetic issues they suspected. Jeff and I were crushed. But at the time, we knew that we would get through it. God gave us enough strength to get through that one thing at that moment. He didn’t give us any more bad news for a little while. That gave Jeff and I time to be together as a couple, pray, talk, cry, and time for me to come down from the highest emotional high in my life, to the lowest low in a matter of hours. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch. (sorry, but they are.)
Later that evening, they told us that Brendan would have to be transferred to Los Angeles that night to go to a higher level NICU, and to be nearer to Children’s Hospital LA where they have an amazing pediatric heart surgeon. Jeff and I were, again, shocked, but we knew that it was for the best. After all, who doesn’t want an amazing surgeon for their newborn son? We knew that this meant that we would have to stay up in LA for a week or two, but we were ready for anything at this point. Brendan was transferred that night, and they told me that I could not go with him because I needed to stay overnight just to make sure I was okay. This was another speed bump that broke my heart. Why didn’t they take me, too? My baby needed to be near me! But alas, God calmed my heart and I knew that the best thing for Brendan was to have his mommy strong and well. So I decided to stay overnight.
The next morning they told me that they wanted to keep me for at least 24 hours total- which meant until 2:30 in the afternoon. I politely refused because there were no real reasons for me to stay. I was fine. Brendan needed me to be near him. I needed to be near him. They tried to expedite the discharge and by 10 am, Jeff and I were off.
The next few days were a blur. I feel like we got a grab bag of good news- heart surgery scheduled, and bad news, he wasn’t eating well. But each time a doctor would give us bad news, it was like God knew just the right amount of news we could handle. We took everything one hour at a time. We spent as much time with Brendan as we could.
After the heart surgery, it looked like everything was looking up. The surgery was successful, we got the genetic testing back, and Brendan had no known syndromes. God knew that Jeff and I needed a glimmer of hope. This gave us the strength to fight even harder for our son.
Then we were told that Brendan’s feeding issues were due to pyloric stenosis (where the opening from the stomach to the intestines is closed off, not allowing for much food to be digested). This required surgery. Again, just one little bit of news at a time. You could say that God knew that Jeff and I had pyloric stenosis of the brain- we could only digest bits of bad news at a time. So we dealt with this news as well.
A few days after surgery, Brendan seemed to be doing well. This is a day I will never forget. It was the day after Thanksgiving. The results from Brendan’s MRI were in. Our regular doctor was on vacation, so there was another doctor that we have talked with only a few times. She was calm and quiet. She gave us the news that part of Brendan’s brain was missing. The dark spots that they thought were cysts, were actually spaces of nothing in his tiny little head. This is the news that Jeff and I were not expecting. It looked like his little brain just didn’t develop. The doctor told us that this meant that he wouldn’t be able to coordinate movement: no breastfeeding (although I was pumping and he was exclusively getting my milk through a tube), no feeding himself, no going to the bathroom himself, no playing with friends. This was devastating. We asked what the chances of survival were, and the doctor was not sure, but it didn’t look good. Brendan had had breathing issues since day one and they thought that a combination of his genetic issues and brain issues were to blame. Jeff and I were prepared for some sort of bad news, and we were always prepared for the possibility that he wouldn’t survive, but this was too much.
We asked to have Brendan transferred to a facility closer to home. This was a hospice care facility that would help him with feeding and they would watch his breathing issues. Jeff and I knew that Brendan’s quality of life was not going to be good. It was like he was going to live like a little vegetable. The worst part was that he still couldn’t breathe well. He would need to be repositioned and given oxygen and turned over just to get air on a daily basis. His oxygen levels would drop from 100% to 50% in a matter of seconds and he would turn blue.
Once Brendan was there for a few days, it became very apparent that he wouldn’t survive much longer. He was off the oxygen and he was eating well. But the breathing issues were getting worse. Jeff and I only briefly considered the possibility of bringing Brendan home. But at the time, watching my son die at home was not something I was prepared for.
The more and more that we talked, the more we realized that having Brendan at home was best. He could be near mommy 24/7. He could be in a quiet non- machine beeping environment. It was also best for daddy and me. We wanted a chance to be a family. This was something that I know God had prepared us for. Earlier, it didn’t seem like it would ever work to bring him home. There were too many obstacles to overcome. But one by one, God removed those. God knew that deep down I wanted my son home with me. God prepared my heart for the fact that Brendan would more than likely die at home.
I know looking back that God had given us little miracles along the way to give us hope. We needed to hear each bit of bad information when we heard it. It allowed Jeff and me to make the best decisions for Brendan’s care. We took things one day at a time. Had we known everything from day one, I don’t think that we would have bonded as much with Brendan. I don’t think that we would have been able to make the decisions that we did about his care. We may have rushed into things. I may have let the depression take over everything. But instead, I was given a little at a time. Each bit was given at the right time, and it allowed us to take care of ourselves as well. God knew that Jeff and I were no good to Brendan if we were depressed (truly depressed, not just sad), overwhelmed, and defeated.
We felt these things, don’t get me wrong. There were times that I would cry and cry and cry. I didn’t wear mascara for the first 4 weeks. I remember the day that I decided to wear mascara; it was the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah, bad idea.
God is in control. It scares the crap out of me to give up the wheel and let him drive, but ultimately, it means that I am a passenger in a car with an experienced driver, instead of being the blind, inexperienced, overwhelmed and lost driver.
God will take you on the side streets sometimes. He even takes you on the back roads of the really bad part of town. But he will never drive you into the river without first giving you a lifejacket, showing you how to use it, helping you put it on, and then letting you hold onto his back while you both swim to safety.
I have heard many times before that God never gives you more than you can handle but I haven’t truly understood it until now.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Lots of change
Hey Brendan! I haven't posted anything in a while. Mommy has been busy! We are moving to TN in 3 weeks, we went house shopping (and I think that we found one), and mommy and daddy are finishing up work at Fullerton. We love you and we think about you often. Your little brother is getting bigger and he kicks mommy all the time!
I think about you all the time. I still get sad, but don't worry, mommy knows that you are in heaven and that you are happy. It is difficult to think about the fact that we will be leaving the place that you were born, and the place that we brought you home to. But you are always in my heart, and if I have to live in a 2 bedroom, 900 sq ft, 3rd floor apartment forever, I am going to go crazy.
Daddy and I decided that your "B", the letter that we made for you to put in your nursery, will hang on the wall in your brother's room next to his letter. We will tell him all about you. We will make sure that he knows that he has a big brother who will always look out for him.
Well, Tennessee was beautiful. Mommy and daddy are so excited to get a house out there. We have a few in mind, and have an offer out on one. Hopefully we will know more this week. We will have a huge backyard for your brother to play in, and enough bedrooms for a big family! There will be a big kitchen, where we will eat together as a family- always with a place set for you.
Well Brendan, mommy needs to go fix dinner for daddy. He worked really hard today and didn't eat a big lunch. When daddy is hungry, he gets cranky, so I'd better hurry. :)
Never forget that we love you.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
I think about you all the time. I still get sad, but don't worry, mommy knows that you are in heaven and that you are happy. It is difficult to think about the fact that we will be leaving the place that you were born, and the place that we brought you home to. But you are always in my heart, and if I have to live in a 2 bedroom, 900 sq ft, 3rd floor apartment forever, I am going to go crazy.
Daddy and I decided that your "B", the letter that we made for you to put in your nursery, will hang on the wall in your brother's room next to his letter. We will tell him all about you. We will make sure that he knows that he has a big brother who will always look out for him.
Well, Tennessee was beautiful. Mommy and daddy are so excited to get a house out there. We have a few in mind, and have an offer out on one. Hopefully we will know more this week. We will have a huge backyard for your brother to play in, and enough bedrooms for a big family! There will be a big kitchen, where we will eat together as a family- always with a place set for you.
Well Brendan, mommy needs to go fix dinner for daddy. He worked really hard today and didn't eat a big lunch. When daddy is hungry, he gets cranky, so I'd better hurry. :)
Never forget that we love you.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Friday, May 28, 2010
Is this your first?
Brendan,
We were talking (we were all sitting at the bar) and the woman saw that I was pregnant and asked if I had any other kids. This is a tough situation for me. I hate bringing up that you died, because most strangers get all uncomforable, and it tends to bring the conversation to a screeching halt. But on the other hand, I feel like I am denying you when I don't bring it up. I usually just say that this pregnancy is our first. I feel like people have a general expectation of you, that you smile and act happy and that in social situations, you don't make waves. No one wants to hear the bad stuff. We are all expected to put on a happy face.
Tonight, however, I told the woman that this is not our first. That we had a wonderful son in October that was born with some health issues, and that he passed away in January. She got quiet and said that she was very sorry. I apologized and told her that I don't like bringing it up, but that it feels good to be honest and just be myself. I have a son in heaven. Just because you are not here on earth doesn't mean that you don't exist.
I have struggled with this since your death. I have decided that if people want to get to know me, or just want to have a conversation with me, they are going to know the real me. I am not going to pretend that I am a new mom, that I have never been pregnant before and that you aren't my son. I am okay with that. I am not going to shout it from the mountain tops (as there are not many mountain tops in Irvine), but when people ask, they are going to get the truth.
I am a proud mom, and I am a proud survivor. The fact that I am still standing here (actually, I am sitting on the couch with daddy's laptop- but it's a saying Brendan, go with it) is a miracle. The fact that I can still smile, enjoy your daddy and our marriage, go out on dates, hang out with friends, go shopping, whatever, it is testament to the strength that God has given me. I know that God wants me to show people what he has done in my life. There is no reason that I need to hide my past. I hope that because of your life and because of the peace and strength God has given me throughout your life and death, other peoples lives will be impacted.
You will always be my son, you will always be my first. I love you Brendan.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Your little brother
Dear Brendan,
Well, it seems like this whole pregnancy (your little brother), daddy and I have been saying things like “I hope he doesn’t have ____ like Brendan”. It almost sounds like we are hoping that your brother is nothing like you.
That’s not the case. So I wasn’t to list all the things we want/hope your little brother has in common with you.
We hope that he has your eyes. You had the most gorgeous grey/blue eyes.
We hope he has your eyelashes. Everyone commented that you had the longest eyelashes ever. I love them!
We hope that your little brother has your smile. You had the cutest smile. I loved it when you would smile in your sleep. We have the sweetest memories of you smiling randomly. One of these days I am going to figure out what you were dreaming about.
We hope he has your attitude. I know a lot of people are going to say that babies are babies and have no real attitude, but I disagree. You were so relaxed. You slept, ate, and for the most part stayed calm. The only things you didn’t like were getting your diaper changed, and you got cranky when you were hungry.
We hope that your brother is a fighter like you. You fought until the last minute. You never gave up. You knew, as did your dad and I that eventually you would end up in heaven. You fought to come home from the hospital so we could be a family for a short time. You never gave up. You are now up in heaven, enjoying everything that God has for his children.
We hope that he is as charming as you. I can’t tell you how many nurses you won over. I know that Ester loved you. She was your nurse after your last 2 surgeries. She loved taking care of you. Then there were the nurses, RTs, and everyone else at Health Bridge that fell in love with you: Misty, Sunny, Shannon, Diana, Mercedes, they all loved coming to say hello to you and giving you kisses. The night nurses loved how mellow you were at night. They told me that when you were upset at night (which was rare) they would go into your room and hold you when mommy wasn’t there.
Finally, I hope your brother looks like you. I think he will. After all, the Mayo gene is dominant. I want to be able to say to him “You look just like your brother!” You were a handsome little man.
Brendan, I want you to know that while there were things medically wrong with your body, you were perfect. Remember what mommy said before? God doesn’t make mistakes. God knew what he was doing. Mommy and daddy are so proud of you. You have taught us so much about life, love and God. We can’t wait to meet your brother. You two have fun in heaven until October.
Well, it seems like this whole pregnancy (your little brother), daddy and I have been saying things like “I hope he doesn’t have ____ like Brendan”. It almost sounds like we are hoping that your brother is nothing like you.
That’s not the case. So I wasn’t to list all the things we want/hope your little brother has in common with you.
We hope that he has your eyes. You had the most gorgeous grey/blue eyes.
We hope he has your eyelashes. Everyone commented that you had the longest eyelashes ever. I love them!
We hope that your little brother has your smile. You had the cutest smile. I loved it when you would smile in your sleep. We have the sweetest memories of you smiling randomly. One of these days I am going to figure out what you were dreaming about.
We hope he has your attitude. I know a lot of people are going to say that babies are babies and have no real attitude, but I disagree. You were so relaxed. You slept, ate, and for the most part stayed calm. The only things you didn’t like were getting your diaper changed, and you got cranky when you were hungry.
We hope that your brother is a fighter like you. You fought until the last minute. You never gave up. You knew, as did your dad and I that eventually you would end up in heaven. You fought to come home from the hospital so we could be a family for a short time. You never gave up. You are now up in heaven, enjoying everything that God has for his children.
We hope that he is as charming as you. I can’t tell you how many nurses you won over. I know that Ester loved you. She was your nurse after your last 2 surgeries. She loved taking care of you. Then there were the nurses, RTs, and everyone else at Health Bridge that fell in love with you: Misty, Sunny, Shannon, Diana, Mercedes, they all loved coming to say hello to you and giving you kisses. The night nurses loved how mellow you were at night. They told me that when you were upset at night (which was rare) they would go into your room and hold you when mommy wasn’t there.
Finally, I hope your brother looks like you. I think he will. After all, the Mayo gene is dominant. I want to be able to say to him “You look just like your brother!” You were a handsome little man.
Brendan, I want you to know that while there were things medically wrong with your body, you were perfect. Remember what mommy said before? God doesn’t make mistakes. God knew what he was doing. Mommy and daddy are so proud of you. You have taught us so much about life, love and God. We can’t wait to meet your brother. You two have fun in heaven until October.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day- Family Pictures
Mother's Day. Well I wouldn't be a mother without my amazing husband. He has been my rock for almost 6 years, and recently has let me lean on him even more. What a blessing you are Jeff. God knew what we were going to experience in our lives and put us together for a reason.
I also wouldn't be a mom without my little man Brendan. Brendan, you taught me so much about life. You taught me not to take anything for granted. You taught me to love unconditionally. You taught me to let go of relationships that are hurtful. You taught me so much more about the love of God than any pastor ever could. You are an amazing little man, and I have no doubt that you are in heaven fully aware of everything (with a fully formed brain) and you know the impact that you had on this earth. You know that although your time was short, it was important. Mommies have children thinking that they are going to be the ones doing all the teaching, but Brendan, you taught me so much. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for making me a mommy.
So, in honor of these boys in my life that have made me a mommy, I wanted to post some pictures of the three of us. We will forever be a family.
Our first family photo- 10/18/09 (Happy Birthday Brendan) Poor Brendan had to wear the little mask because his little heart couldn't pump enough oxygen into his body
10/19/09- Finally got to see Brendan after they transferred him to LA 6 hours after being born. It was a long several hours. This is also me having skin to skin time with him. They say that mommy's skin helps the baby bond and can also help the baby's heart rate.
10/31/09 Happy Halloween. I finally got to hold Brendan after several days of recovery after heart surgery. I must say, it was the best Halloween I have ever had.
Happy Thanksgiving Brendan! 11/26/09
12/07/09 Family time
12/16/09- Mommy's birthday. The only day that I spent away from Brendan. We went to Disneyland. It was a great day and a much needed day of fun. I saw him early in the morning and then later that night for an hour or so. The nurse said that he had a great day while we were gone and rested well in mommy's absence.
12/17/09 Brendan's first walk outside!
12/25/09 Merry Christmas!
1/09/10- Our first family outing. We went to Carl's Jr. It was our first full day having Brendan home and we were totally out of food at home and were starving, so we took a walk down to Carl's. I asked some random guy to take the picture. I am not sure that he got why it was so important to us. We also couldn't find a way to get all three of us in the picture without moving Brendan and waking him up. He did so well on the walk!
1/17/10 Brendan's Baptism. Thank you Justin for coming over and praying with us and for giving us this wonderful gift. We actually went to the pool at our complex and Justin baptized him there. I love it!
Dear Lord, please take care of my little man in heaven. Please be with Jeff and I and help us to heal. Thank you for all the memories that you have given us and for the new life that is growing as we speak. You knew before Brendan was born, and even before Jeff and I were together, that we would go through this experience. Thank you for bringing Jeff and I together, and strengthening our marriage before you gave us this trial. I love you so much and I am thankful that you have given us the honor of being Brendan's earthly parents. We love you, Lord. Amen
Friday, April 23, 2010
Dear Brendan- 3 months
Dear Brendan,
Today marks 3 months since you died. In 6 days I will have lived more days, since your birth, without you than I had with you. Hard to believe that something so profound can come and go so quickly.
If you would have asked me 4 months ago what I imagined doing after your death, I would have said that I couldn’t possibly have moved on. I would be sitting at home crying 24/7, thinking about what a victim I am, and about how I deserve, how you deserve more.
But alas, life goes on. Since you left for heaven, daddy and I have been doing okay. I still cry, but it is not as often. I used to cry almost every night, and if I looked at a picture of you, then I would lose it. But now, I am able to look at the picture and remember what I was thinking when the picture was taken. I remember how you would curl up in my arms and sleep. I remember being the happiest mom just because you were mine.
Daddy and I have kept our promise to you: We are still very much in love. We have our fights, but we always remember that we love each other. And let’s be honest Brendan, I am not sure that anyone else would love mommy as much as daddy does! He is a good man who loves unconditionally. After you were born, I saw a side of daddy that made me love him even more. He is such a good daddy! He would hold you, sing to you, and cry over you. Daddy and I never thought that there could be so much room in our hearts, but then you came and our hearts grew.
As you know, mommy and daddy are having another baby. This isn’t to replace you, as some people have speculated. You know that no one can replace you! You are the one and only Brendan Shaun! We are having another baby to celebrate life. We want to have a big family. When mommy and daddy got married, we wanted 3 kids. Now we want 4. You are, hopefully, going to have 3 brothers and sisters living on this earth. Your brothers and sisters are going to have an angel with them all the time. I know that you are going to be a great big brother.
We think about you all the time, we laugh about the funny times we had with you. Daddy likes to laugh about your weak little cry. After you had your surgery, you were so weak and I am sure that it hurt to put a ton of umph behind your cries. But it was so funny to hear your little whimper. You were like a little puppy. Eventually your cries got stronger, and you let us know when you didn’t like something. For example, baths, and getting your diaper changed. When you were at home you would scream your head off! But we will never forget that tiny little puppy whimper.
Three months is such a short time, but when you were here it seemed even shorter. Your daddy and I have tried to live life to the fullest since you died. We want to enjoy everything that God has given us. I know that you are happy in heaven. You are an angel that gets to sing and dance and be with Jesus. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Today marks 3 months since you died. In 6 days I will have lived more days, since your birth, without you than I had with you. Hard to believe that something so profound can come and go so quickly.
If you would have asked me 4 months ago what I imagined doing after your death, I would have said that I couldn’t possibly have moved on. I would be sitting at home crying 24/7, thinking about what a victim I am, and about how I deserve, how you deserve more.
But alas, life goes on. Since you left for heaven, daddy and I have been doing okay. I still cry, but it is not as often. I used to cry almost every night, and if I looked at a picture of you, then I would lose it. But now, I am able to look at the picture and remember what I was thinking when the picture was taken. I remember how you would curl up in my arms and sleep. I remember being the happiest mom just because you were mine.
Daddy and I have kept our promise to you: We are still very much in love. We have our fights, but we always remember that we love each other. And let’s be honest Brendan, I am not sure that anyone else would love mommy as much as daddy does! He is a good man who loves unconditionally. After you were born, I saw a side of daddy that made me love him even more. He is such a good daddy! He would hold you, sing to you, and cry over you. Daddy and I never thought that there could be so much room in our hearts, but then you came and our hearts grew.
As you know, mommy and daddy are having another baby. This isn’t to replace you, as some people have speculated. You know that no one can replace you! You are the one and only Brendan Shaun! We are having another baby to celebrate life. We want to have a big family. When mommy and daddy got married, we wanted 3 kids. Now we want 4. You are, hopefully, going to have 3 brothers and sisters living on this earth. Your brothers and sisters are going to have an angel with them all the time. I know that you are going to be a great big brother.
We think about you all the time, we laugh about the funny times we had with you. Daddy likes to laugh about your weak little cry. After you had your surgery, you were so weak and I am sure that it hurt to put a ton of umph behind your cries. But it was so funny to hear your little whimper. You were like a little puppy. Eventually your cries got stronger, and you let us know when you didn’t like something. For example, baths, and getting your diaper changed. When you were at home you would scream your head off! But we will never forget that tiny little puppy whimper.
Three months is such a short time, but when you were here it seemed even shorter. Your daddy and I have tried to live life to the fullest since you died. We want to enjoy everything that God has given us. I know that you are happy in heaven. You are an angel that gets to sing and dance and be with Jesus. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day 1- October 18, 2009
Many of you have asked to hear about my labor experience, so here it is.
Day 1: October 18, 2009- 9 months and 2 days pregnant. I was totally over it. I was tired, sore and HUGE! It looked like there was a beach ball under my shirt. A very big beach ball.
Jeff and I both woke up around 6 am, but true to his form, Jeff was unable to go back to bed. I however, was still exhausted and decided to go back to bed for a little bit.
Day 1: October 18, 2009- 9 months and 2 days pregnant. I was totally over it. I was tired, sore and HUGE! It looked like there was a beach ball under my shirt. A very big beach ball.
Jeff and I both woke up around 6 am, but true to his form, Jeff was unable to go back to bed. I however, was still exhausted and decided to go back to bed for a little bit.
I woke up at 9 am and came out to the living room. Jeff was watching tv and I sat down on the couch next to him. Jeff and I were talking about going to the beach and making plans to hang out and enjoy our Sunday. My butt had barely touched the cushion when I felt like I had peed my pants. It took a second for me to realize what had happened. My water broke. I heard that only 10 percent of women have this happen to them and I never thought that I would be one. I looked at Jeff and jumped up and yelled "my water broke, my water broke." Jeff wasn't sure that it really had, but let's be honest, we all know what it feels like to wet our pants, and this wasn't it. I ran onto the tile floor and jumped up and down: The baby that we have waited 9 long months for (longer if you count the 2 miscarriages) was on his way. We called the doctor and we were told that it would still be a while before baby made his debut, so I should take a shower, eat something and get everything ready and come to the hospital in about an hour or two.
This is a picture of me on the phone with the doctor right after my water broke.
I did what I was told. I showered, only a couple contractions that lasted about 20 seconds while I was in there. Thank goodness the shower has walls. Then Jeff and I got our things together and we left for the hospital. I made Jeff take me to Panera Bread on the way, and since we had so much time before baby P was to arrive, I figured that it would be nice to sit down inside and enjoy our last meal as a single couple. That was a bad idea. The contractions were stronger, longer and quite painful. It was Sunday, so there were quite a few people in there. Jeff and I were sitting in a booth across from a table of people that were doing a bible study. I was having contractions, but trying to stay calm and quiet so I didn't alarm anyone. I remember sitting at the table grabbing Jeff's hands and breathing hard trying not to draw attention to myself.
Jeff knew, by just looking at his poor wife buckling over in pain, that it was time to go. We grabbed the rest of our bagels and we were on our way. Thankfully the hospital was only about a 7 minute drive from our house, because I was having contractions every 3 minutes and they were lasting about 30 seconds to a minute.
11:00 am.We pulled into the hospital and parked right up front. We made the incredibly long walk to the labor and delivery ward (I insisted on walking and then halfway up regretted it.) I got there and saw the midwife who checked me and said that I was 6 cm already. Good lord, this child was coming soon. I couldn't even wait!
So, they admitted me and hooked me up to a bunch of monitors to check on the baby and to check contractions, which by the way were coming about every 2 minutes and were very strong. The midwife asked me if I wanted an epidural and I don't think that I could've answered any quicker. Those of you that have had an epidural know that the worst part about it is having to stay still while they give it to you. You have to arch your back and hunch over and stay perfectly still. Well, easier said than done when your uterus is turning inside out and punching your insides.
Once I got the magical epidural, I got checked and was about 9.5 cm. I rested for about an hour and then felt like I had to push. So the nurses got ready and the midwife got set up, and I started pushing. It took about 10 minutes and 5 contractions and baby P arrived! The nurses were asking his name and we announced that our little man was offically named Brendan Shaun Plemons. He was born at 2:29pm, 19.5 inches, weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces. Happy Birthday Brendan!
The whole labor process was 5 and a half hours. That was the easy part. It was Brendan's life and death that was the hard part.
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