Things I miss since becoming a mom

1. Sleeping in. This will always be on the top of every list. I love to sleep. Love it.

2. Martinis. I have not had a martini (a really good pomegranate one) for 2 years. We bought a Costco bottle of vodka right before we got pregnant. Note to those of you trying to get pregnant: buy a huge bottle of liquor. I think I found out I was pregnant with Brendan 2 weeks after we bought it. I only had one glorious martini. Sigh.

3. My cute body. Let's be honest. I am still a hot momma (and a very modest one) but the flimsiness and flabbiness I am told will never truly be gone. I have made my peace.


4. Taking naps. Alone.


5. Going to the bathroom. Alone.


6. Taking a shower. Alone.


7. Having unscheduled intimate moments with Jeff. How sad is it when you have to put sex on your calendar? 


8. Going out past 6 in the evening. Bed time is 7:30 for Dylan. The only exception is Wednesday night bible study. And that is only because we love our bible study group.


9. Only doing 3 loads of laundry a week. I hate laundry. Jeff and I used do a load of towels, a load of whites and a load of darks a week. That's it. Now I do at least 1 load a day of clothes and a load of diapers.


10. Eating a hot meal. Or getting to eat at all. Miraculously I have not lost a ton of weight with this method. I must eat in my sleep.


11. Watching tv without worrying that I am corrupting my child's innocence. I am so sick of Cars and Elmo. I just want to watch Sex and the City and not worry that Samantha is going to say (or do) something totally inappropriate.


12. Jeff turning to me and saying "Hey, let's go get a shake." or "Hey, you want to go (fill in the blank)?" and us actually being able to leave. The furthest we have gone without Dylan is to the mailbox, or to the backyard. Yeah I know, all you couples without kids, you are jealous of our crazy lives.


I may not get to pee alone, but, since becoming a mom, I have laughed so hard that I have almost peed my pants.

Reasons why I could never be the next Bachelorette

Ok, so besides the obvious that I am happily married, here are a few more reasons:


1. I will never look that good in a bikini. Ever.


2. I am not a tramp. I have kissed a few guys. I have had boyfriends. But I am not a fan of kissing more than one guy in a week. Or a day. Or in an hour.


3. I can't pin on a boutonniere. I would either stab myself or the guy. Chris would have to hand out band-aids behind me.


4. I am a people pleaser. I hate making people sad. Which means that each rose ceremony would be awful. I would probably tear roses in half just to have enough for everyone.


5. I would giggle uncontrollably when Chris offered us the "fantasy suite". Even if I didn't have my morals, I would still not take the key because my mother would be watching the show. I am not about to let her see me act like a hussy.


6. I wear jeans and flip flops all the time. I am not about to walk around Hong Kong in high heels. 


7. I would love having all the cameras around, because you know I love the attention. But I would also not be able to stop asking if I looked fat. The camera adds 10 pounds, you know.


8. I love having attention (see #7) and would very much enjoy having 20 guys vying for my attention. But I would have a problem sending them home. Unless one of them was Bentley. He has got to go.


9. I don't stand over bridges and contemplate life quietly with cameras around. I get things done. I don't get all weepy thinking about my past loves.


10. I talk too much. ABC doesn't have enough available air time to run all the important stuff I have to say.

I dodged a bullet

Tonight I was listening to KLOVE radio on the way home from church. A man called up to ask for prayer. He said that his wife was pregnant and they lost the baby at 34 weeks. His wife developed HELLP syndrome and in addition to losing their baby, his wife is in critical condition.


I had HELLP syndrome with Dylan. I knew that it could be serious, but I didn't realize it could be life threatening. 


After I heard this husband on the radio talk about his situation, they played a song that says "Forever you are faithful, forever you are strong, forever you are with us, Forever." 


God is always with us. He may not give us the outcome we want. We may lose a loved one. 


He may put his healing hand over us and give us a healthy baby and keep us safe despite the doctors thinking otherwise.


But no matter what, God is with us.


I know that there are some of you that are going through the loss of a loved one. I have friends that have husbands overseas. I have a dear friend who's husband is going to be going overseas soon. Some of you are dealing with sickness. We all have something. But God is always there. Even when it seems hopeless. 


When Brendan was on this earth and sick and having surgery upon surgery, there were days that things seemed hopeless. But then God would give me a simple reminder of his faithfulness. No matter what, it is all apart of his plan. 


Call upon the Lord and he will give you peace.


The man on the radio is named Tim and his wife's name is Nancy. Please pray for them today.

My life in tv....

1. My So Called Wife- Poor Jeff, I am but a chubby, flabby version of my former self.

2. So You Think You Can Crawl?- Dylan has started crawling. He is into everything. He is fast, too. Don't turn your back, otherwise he will eat your cell phone. It is funny because he always leaves one leg dragging behind. He is a little gimpy. :)

3. Real Housewives of Knoxville- Lunch at Chick Fil A, play dates in the park, and shopping trips to Wal-Mart. Life is glamorous. The real high class days, I go to Target.

4. The Biggest Pooper- This one speaks for itself. (Dylan, not me.....)

5. Ugly Mommy- Dark circles, messy hair, and spit up on every outfit I own.

6. Extreme Makeover Home Edition- Every day is a home makeover. By the end of the day, the house has gone from messy, toys everywhere, spit up all over the carpet, to toys cleaned up, carpet salvaged, and spic and span!


7. 29 and Chubby- Yep, that's me. You have 2 kids in 2 years and tell me what your stomach looks like after the whole ordeal.


8. Law and Order Special Discipline Unit- Dylan don't touch that! Oh no not mommy's purse! Every day little man is exploring and learning. I just laugh and then realize that I should have baby proofed the house before now.


9. The Secret Life of an American Mother- some days I don't get out of my pjs. I will not wash my hair for a couple days, throw a flower in it and call it a day. Sometimes I will not take a shower. I will just throw on more deodorant and pray for the best.


10. The Late Late Show with Carrie Plemons- Yep, that show has been on for 9 months now, and I am guessing it will continue to air for another 18 years....

Why I love staying at my in laws house

1. The food. Last night for dinner we had steak. Not just any steak, farm raised beef from their farm. I had filet mignon. It was amazing. This morning I am going to make eggs. Eggs that were laid from their chickens last night. Yummy!


2. Babysitters 24/7. Hey Carrie, want a nap? Want to pee alone? Want to take a shower without a child banging on the shower doors? Go for it!


3. Jeff's mom keeps a cookie jar. All the time. She is the best grandma ever! Dylan is going to love coming here once mommy lets him eat cookies. For now, I love coming here....although my weigh in at Weight Watchers is going to be tough this week, but whatever, I only had three. :)


4. They have cable. I finally get to catch up on my reality tv shows. The ones that aren't on Hulu like all the Bravo shows. Love it.


5. They have chickens. We get to feed the chickens. Dylan loves to feed the chickens. Well, he loves to watch mimi feed them.


6. Right next to the chickens are the cows. The cows that I am going to enjoy next fall. I have already selected my filet....


7. They have a Costco here. I am going to stock up. On what I do not know. But I am sure they are selling something that I just have to have. :)


8. They have a huge house. It is gorgeous. It is relaxing and the back porch looks out onto a pasture. The front porch looks out onto a field and the neighbors pasture and his 100 cows. If you squint, you can almost forget what century you are in.


9. Today I am getting a pedicure. This is kinda the same thing as #2, because Jeff and his mom are going to watch Dylan while I sit and get a foot rub and zone out.... Ahhhh


10. They have a scale. I have not owned a scale since I married Jeff. I left mine at my mom's house. So, it is nice to come here and make sure that the oreos have not completely taken over my body. And it is fun to see how much weight I lose breastfeeding. So far about 50 pounds from the final weight right before Dylan was born. I know, I know, I was a cow. Just go ahead and throw me out on the pasture.... :)


11a. It is like a mini vacation every time we come. I love it.


11b. I forgot one thing. They have Charmin toilet paper here. It is like wiping your tushy with a cloud. I love it. Not only do I get a mini vacation, but my tush does, too. :)


Well I have to go now and get ready for my pedicure. :) It's okay, you can be jealous.

How my time is spent as a mommy

There are 24 hours in a day. This is how I spend mine.


30 minutes changing diapers


1 hour doing laundry


1 hour cooking dinner and cleaning up


1 and a half hours breastfeeding


1 hour a day cleaning up after little man


30 minutes feeding little man new and yummy things (he likes peas!)


30 minutes (or less) watching tv


4 to 5 hours playing with little man


2 hours carrying little man in the sling and walking (the mall counts as exercise, right?) - side note- why can I never spell exercise correctly? Thank the lord for spell check.


1 hour putting Dylan to bed - sometimes more


2 hours shopping for groceries, baby items and baby proofing supplies


30 minutes total putting Dylan in the car seat, and taking him out, putting back in, then taking him out, etc, etc.


30 minutes eating my own food. I try to eat slowly and enjoy my food, but there is sometimes no way to do this. Also, most of the time I have forgotten to eat the last meal and once I sit down to eat, I am starving.


2 hours hanging out alone with Jeff. This is golden time. Jeff and I get to sit and enjoy each other's company and not have Dylan around to distract us.


15 minutes getting ready. This includes shower, makeup, hair, and picking out and putting clothes on.


15 minutes getting Dylan ready. This includes picking out clothes and attempting to put them on him. Squirmy little stinker!


1 hour rocking Dylan and calming him after waking up in the middle of the night crying.


1 hour sitting in bed wishing I could fall back to sleep.


and Finally....


3.5 hours of actual sleep


Welcome to my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.


I have been blessed. I thank the Lord for every minute I have as a mommy, because I know how quickly it can be taken from you.


Now I have to go because I am about to enjoy my 2 hours of alone time with Jeff. Adios!

Things I hate

1. Women who take a gorgeous "after giving birth" picture. Here is mine:

Not cute. Not even close.

2. I hate women who criticize your parenting approach that don't have kids. You don't even know. I used to think that moms that let their kids yell in a restaurant are bad moms. Then I became a mom. Nothing you do will make them quiet. And in the process of taking them out of the high chair to calm them down, there are moms giving you the "I feel your pain look", and non- moms giving you the "shut your kid up" look. If you aren't a mom, don't give judge me.

3. I hate it when people feel like they have to put you down to make themselves look better. Listen, I am not hurt by your words, I am sad for you. What sad pathetic little life must you lead in order to make me feel bad about myself? I know my personal failures, and having you point those out to me only makes you look like a tool.

4. I hate it when people judge me for breastfeeding. These boobies were made for this purpose. They were not made for my husband to use as fun bags, although that is a perk. If you did the research about breastfeeding and it's benefits, you would keep quiet.

5. I hate it when people judge moms that use formula. Some moms have no choice. Some moms have a choice and choose it because of one reason or another. But unless you are in their shoes, zip it.

6. I hate it when not so skinny ladies wear tube tops. I do not need to see your chub, I have my own, thank you.

7. When someone sees that your hands are full, you have a baby on one arm, groceries in the other, and with the magic that only happens when you are a mommy, you are pushing a stroller with the third hand, and they let the door slam in your face. Listen, I promise that nothing bad will happen if you hold the door. You will not die, you will still make it home in time for dinner, and I promise that if you do in fact hold the door, you will not get a nasty look from me. It is Tennessee, a southern state, a state that is know for polite people. Please don't make me regret moving here. Hold the darn door.

8. Skinny girls. Period.

9. Ironing. I hate it. I have put off ironing Jeff's work clothes for 2 weeks. I would rather fold an entire basket of clothes than iron one shirt.

There are more things I hate, but right now I have 4 pants and 6 shirts to iron. Crap.