Take it from me: Things you should never do

1. Eat an entire family sized bag of creamed corn. It was bad. Really, really bad. I pooped nothing but creamed corn for 4 days.


2. Wash your car in February in Tennessee. Halfway through the adventure, the soap had frozen on the car and I could no longer feel my fingers.


3.  Stop by Panera Bread on your way to the hospital to deliver your first born. Yes, I was having contractions at the table. And yes, people were staring.


4. Spell your husband's name incorrectly. Yes, I am admitting it. I wrote a poem for Jeff. I used the letters of his name to spell out all the wonderful things about him. J....E....E....F.... Then I gave him the poem. I was so focused on the it that I spelled his name wrong. The worst part is that I remember working so hard to figure out something to use for the second E. The absolute worst part is that we had been married for a year.


5. Piss off the NICU nurses while your first born is under their care. But seriously? If you call me a cow I am going to yell at you. And no, I make no apologies.


6. Take ambien if you are sensitive to drugs. I fell asleep on the toilet and Jeff had to take me back to bed. I have no recollection of this, or of me and Jeff having an argument about my dream that night involving a carousel and multi colored horses.


7. Mistake chili powder for Cajun seasoning. Seriously, it was the spiciest thing I have ever eaten. Food hasn't had a true flavor ever since.


8. Try to catch the stream of pee (or in rare cases, runny poop) coming out of your baby. It will always end badly. Trust me. 


9. Make dinner the day you get home from the hospital after delivering your second child. In my defense, the chicken was going to go bad.


10. Mistake corn oil for corn syrup. Who knew that corn syrup and corn oil weren't the same thing? I was a new wife, learning how to make fudge for my new husband. I couldn't find corn syrup, so I used the next best thing! Poor Jeff. His stomach has not been the same since.


This list is just the tip of the iceberg. I am sure that I will be able to think of more. In fact, I am pretty sure that by tomorrow I will have actually done at least 1 or 2 noteworthy stupid things. Stay tuned. This is Carrie In Real Life and it never gets boring.