I am not pregnant. I have the flu.
Never once did I feel this bad while I was pregnant (well, except during labor, but that's another blog. Am I the only one that got nauseated during labor? I seriously thought that I was going to hurl.)
Anyways, I am not knocked up. Mother Nature won't allow it. Here's why:
There is no way that my stretch marks can get any more stretchy. Seriously, there is no more room on my stomach.
There is no way that my feet can get any bigger. They started out as a size 8 and a half. With Brendan they grew to a size 9. With Dylan they grew to a size 9 and a half. Nature won't allow me to have feet bigger than that. Because then all my awesome shoes won't fit. And that would be a tragedy.
There is no way that I can go another 9 months without a margarita. (technically I went almost 2 years without one.) Granted, I am not drinking any alcohol right now because I am breast feeding, but at least I have the option of pumping and dumping. There is no option of pumping and dumping when you are pregnant. Zero. And let's be honest. A girl needs to have the option.
There is no way that Jeff can handle the hormones. It's possible that if I get pregnant again soon, Jeff will move out of the house until I deliver.
There is no way that my friends will be able to handle me. Everything is always about me. My friends know this. They accept this. But when I am pregnant, this need to have all the attention goes into overdrive. Nature will not allow me to be friendless and pregnant.
There is no way that the grandparents can afford another grandkid right now. Let's recap shall we? Brendan: born October 18, 2009; Olivia: born March 31, 2010: Dylan: born September 23, 2010. Three grandkids in less than a year. That's a lot of baby gear. My mother alone has bought every outfit that Target sells for boys. She has bought toys, clothes, and many other fun things for her 3 grandkids. This woman's wallet needs a break.
There is no way that I am wearing maternity clothes again. At least not for a while. I am so sick of empire waisted, baggy shirts. And so help me if I have to wear another pair of stretchy panel jeans. Granted, I don't look so hot in my non pregnancy jeans, but at least they don't have a polyester panel to hold up baby fat.
There is no way that nature will let me worry for another 9 months about the health of my baby. Brendan had a host of health issues (although I didn't know any of them until he was born) but with Dylan I was worried every day. And to top it off, he was born a month early. So I was worried the day he was born, too. I am surprised that I don't have an ulcer, or that I am not on anti-anxiety meds.
There is no way that I will be pregnant for a third time in the scorching heat of summer. If I had my way, I would get pregnant in August and have the baby in May. None of this "7 months pregnant in 100 degree weather" crap.
There is no way that I can handle the fatigue of pregnancy and a 4 month old who sleeps for 15 minutes total at night. I am already a walking zombie. Who knows what would happen if I was pregnant. The world doesn't have enough under eye cream to deal with those dark circles.
Forgive me for this one, but.... There is no way that I am going to be constipated for 9 months straight....Again....Again. Not. Going. To. Happen.
There is no way that I am going to deal with drinking a sip of water and having heartburn for a week. Heartburn is my least favorite symptom of pregnancy. And I hate Tums. They make me want to hurl.
And finally, there is no way that I am going to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I don't have time to pee that much. I sometimes forget to pee for hours (see number 8 on this list for further info on this topic). If I actually get to pee without a baby either in the bathroom with me or right outside the door, it is a good day.
So, for those of you that insist that I must be pregnant, please talk to Mother Nature, because she and I have a deal, and we have together decided that I am just not ready to be pregnant for three straight years.
Oh one more thing. There is no way that Mother Nature will let me look like this again for a while:
Just tell them yes and that you'll be happy to accept presents and cookies.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only one who got nauseated during labor. I puked in labor with both kiddoes and know many others who have, too. The first one wasn't so bad because I hadn't eaten in a while. With #2 I had just had a full on dinner -- chicken, rolls, salad, even dessert! Ya... won't be doing THAT again!! =)
ReplyDeleteOh my god Carrie I love your blog I have to say I laughed out loud yet again.. you are too funny! Have you ever thought about writing a book or something funny for kids?
ReplyDeletei have read your blog ever since Carol, Jeff's aunt, fold me about it when you had Brendan; you have moved me to tears--both sad and happy---many time; you really should consider a writing career; doesn't even have to be fiction; just what you blog here is enough to be a best seller; there is no woman on earth who has been pregnant that hasn't felt at least some of the things you say, even if they are "too perfect" to admit it! you have to ability to laugh at yourself; sorry i didn't get to meet you in person when you were in chattanooga during christmas
ReplyDeleteI puked with both kids during labor. The first all I had eaten were the tums we sneaked in ( I hear you on the heartburn one too!) the second time I was ballsy and ate a ton before going to the hospital. We'll just say that was a bad decision. I don't understand how people can have children so close together and not lose their minds! Take your time before another... but I can't wait to see how many you end up with in the end!!
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