I am loving the new facebook timeline. I know that a lot of people are going to hate it, but here's why I love it.
I get to look back at all the things I posted while Brendan was here. I get to read all the things that friends and family wrote about him. I get to remember specific events and read what I was feeling at the time. I get a constant reminder as I read that God brought me through the hardest time of my life. Reading about how I was feeling and the ups and downs reminds me that my God is with me and promises not to let me go.
It is hard reading some things, though.
I remember the day that Jeff and I realized (well, more me, Jeff kinda knew it all along) that Brendan was not made for this earth. It was the day after Thanksgiving. We had not been able to get a CT scan up until this point for various reasons. But this was the day that we got the results.
The doctor came to us and told us that the cysts that were showing up as dark spots on the ultrasound were not cysts at all, but were actually just empty parts of his brain. His brain was severely underdeveloped. She said that he only had 5% of his cerebellum. He would never be able to talk, walk, pee, sit up, or move on his own. His airway and lungs were very underdeveloped, too. He was having trouble breathing all the time. He would never have a normal life. And there was nothing that we could do about it.
Up to this point, my posts were optimistic, wondering if we were going to have him home for Halloween, then Thanksgiving then my birthday.
But after that day, my heart was broken. I knew that my baby was going to die. I knew that every moment I had with him was precious. I knew that he would take his last breath before I took mine.
I love reading about his life on facebook because, even though it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, watching my baby die, it is the place where I documented everything. Facebook is Brendan's baby book. The good, bad and the ugly. It is all there. And unlike any other baby book, Brendan's book has comments from friends, daily updates, and a place for me to vent my feelings.
I am so thankful that I can look back. I look and see that I was in the depths of despair. I look and see that my heart was broken into tiny pieces. I look and see that I never thought I would ever get out.
But looking back allows me to see the footsteps ahead more clearly. Because I can see that when I was at my worst, the Lord was there telling me that it was ok, I don't have to walk, He will carry me. I can take the steps ahead with confidence because I know that if God can take care of me through that, he will take care of me through everything. There isn't any step too slippery, too high, too low or too wide when I have God leading the way. All I have to do is follow.