Friday, July 29, 2011

Things I miss since becoming a mom

1. Sleeping in. This will always be on the top of every list. I love to sleep. Love it.

2. Martinis. I have not had a martini (a really good pomegranate one) for 2 years. We bought a Costco bottle of vodka right before we got pregnant. Note to those of you trying to get pregnant: buy a huge bottle of liquor. I think I found out I was pregnant with Brendan 2 weeks after we bought it. I only had one glorious martini. Sigh.

3. My cute body. Let's be honest. I am still a hot momma (and a very modest one) but the flimsiness and flabbiness I am told will never truly be gone. I have made my peace.

4. Taking naps. Alone.

5. Going to the bathroom. Alone.

6. Taking a shower. Alone.

7. Having unscheduled intimate moments with Jeff. How sad is it when you have to put sex on your calendar? 

8. Going out past 6 in the evening. Bed time is 7:30 for Dylan. The only exception is Wednesday night bible study. And that is only because we love our bible study group.

9. Only doing 3 loads of laundry a week. I hate laundry. Jeff and I used do a load of towels, a load of whites and a load of darks a week. That's it. Now I do at least 1 load a day of clothes and a load of diapers.

10. Eating a hot meal. Or getting to eat at all. Miraculously I have not lost a ton of weight with this method. I must eat in my sleep.

11. Watching tv without worrying that I am corrupting my child's innocence. I am so sick of Cars and Elmo. I just want to watch Sex and the City and not worry that Samantha is going to say (or do) something totally inappropriate.

12. Jeff turning to me and saying "Hey, let's go get a shake." or "Hey, you want to go (fill in the blank)?" and us actually being able to leave. The furthest we have gone without Dylan is to the mailbox, or to the backyard. Yeah I know, all you couples without kids, you are jealous of our crazy lives.

I may not get to pee alone, but, since becoming a mom, I have laughed so hard that I have almost peed my pants.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Reasons why I could never be the next Bachelorette

Ok, so besides the obvious that I am happily married, here are a few more reasons:

1. I will never look that good in a bikini. Ever.

2. I am not a tramp. I have kissed a few guys. I have had boyfriends. But I am not a fan of kissing more than one guy in a week. Or a day. Or in an hour.

3. I can't pin on a boutonniere. I would either stab myself or the guy. Chris would have to hand out band-aids behind me.

4. I am a people pleaser. I hate making people sad. Which means that each rose ceremony would be awful. I would probably tear roses in half just to have enough for everyone.

5. I would giggle uncontrollably when Chris offered us the "fantasy suite". Even if I didn't have my morals, I would still not take the key because my mother would be watching the show. I am not about to let her see me act like a hussy.

6. I wear jeans and flip flops all the time. I am not about to walk around Hong Kong in high heels. 

7. I would love having all the cameras around, because you know I love the attention. But I would also not be able to stop asking if I looked fat. The camera adds 10 pounds, you know.

8. I love having attention (see #7) and would very much enjoy having 20 guys vying for my attention. But I would have a problem sending them home. Unless one of them was Bentley. He has got to go.

9. I don't stand over bridges and contemplate life quietly with cameras around. I get things done. I don't get all weepy thinking about my past loves.

10. I talk too much. ABC doesn't have enough available air time to run all the important stuff I have to say.