Friday, April 29, 2011

How you know you are a dad

This is for you Jeff. Thank you for encouraging me daily, being the most supportive husband when I felt like I just couldn't do it, and for giving me two beautiful children. I love you. And I promise to wear cute underwear again. Someday.

How you know that you are a dad:

Your wife's normally cute and fit body has gotten a little saggy. Okay, a lot saggy.

In your house, sweatpants are the new black.

You didn't realize that bras could cover so much.

Victoria's Secret has been replaced by Hanes Her Way.

You are excited that your wife hasn't bought clothes for herself in a while.

She comes home instead with bags full of little clothes.

Alone time? What is that again?

Napping is the new sex.

Sex? What is that again?

Your mother, who used to call just to talk to you and find out how you are doing, calls now just to ask why you haven't posted more pictures of her grand baby.

There are little toys everywhere. You have almost landed yourself in the emergency room several times.

Date night night out has been replaced by quiet night in. Quiet because you know that if you turn on the surround sound and wake up your baby, your wife will hurt you because it took her 30 minutes to get him to go to sleep.

You just spent an entire afternoon laughing and playing with your baby. Hours went by and you were in another world.

You didn't realize that men could also get dark circles. The worst part? You can't use concealer.

You used to feel pride from things at work or your personal accomplishments. Now you burst at the seams when this little person learns to sit up, or walk, or talk....

You never realized that you could actually function with so little sleep.

Sports cars have been replaced with mini vans and hatch backs.

New tools have been replaced by car seats and strollers.

And you never realized that there was this much room in your heart for love.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My pet peeves

This list has been a long time coming. Get ready for it. Here it comes!

1. If you are waiting to get onto the elevator, don't stand in front of the door. GET OUT OF MY WAY as I exit the elevator. You can't get on until I get off. MOVE!

2. To the vendors at the mall at the kiosks that are selling crap. I don't care. I am a busy mom. My hair is in a bun, and I have walking shoes on. Do I look like I have the time or the money to buy your crap? No. Leave me alone. If you hassle me, it is only going to piss me off more and I am likely to throw something at you.

3. While I am feeding my child, don't stare, and don't sneer at me. THIS IS THE WAY GOD INTENDED IT TO BE. I am not showing any part of my boob. My child's enormous head is blocking it. Get over it. This is the best thing that I can do for my baby, and you staring is not making it any easier. Besides, I guarantee that you don't want to see my boobs, they are not cute, trust me.

4. It is pronounced ASK, not AX. Say it correctly. You sound stupid.

5. Moms, don't let your child touch my baby. I know he's cute, but your child looks dirty. His fingernails are nasty, and I am pretty sure I just saw him stick his nasty finger up his nose. If you want me to smack his nasty little hand away from my baby, I will do it. But please save me the joy, and do it yourself.

6. Grandmas out there: If you have something to say to me, please say it to me, not my son. If it is 30 degrees outside and my child has on warm clothes but no hat, please do not look at my child and say "does your mommy not want to keep your little head warm? It's very cold outside." Thank you. We are walking 5 feet from my car (where the temperature is 85 degrees) to the door of Wal- Mart (where the temperature is 85 degrees). And for the record, not that it is any of your business, he had a hat, but he chose to rip it off and throw it somewhere in the back seat madness of my car. So shut it granny.

7. Grandmas out there: The same goes for socks. Listen, it is like 80 degrees and humid here in East Tennesse. My child does not need socks. Do not ask him why he has no socks on. He will just smile at you, blow bubbles at you, or spit up in your general direction. If you have something to say, grow a pair and say it to me. Thank you.

8. A check? Really? Are you aware that it is 2011? Have you heard of this thing called a debit card? Why are you writing a check? And why, oh why did I choose to get in line behind you? If you insist on writing a check, at least have the decency to fill out the date, vendor and sign it while waiting in line. Do not wait until the cashier gives you the total. You bug. 

9. Gangsta in the car next to me. Two things: first of all, I am sure that you like your music, I however, think it is annoying and vulgar and would rather not listen to it. So please do not blast it from your crappy car. Secondly: Put a shirt on. You are not cute, you are not doing yard work, and you are not at the beach. You are at a stop light. Put your shirt on you look like a fool.

10. Gangstas out there: Why do you have nice rims that cost several thousand dollars on your crappy 1993 Dodge Intrigue? Please spend the money to get a new car. No one is impressed that you have nice rims. We are all distracted by your crappy car, your offensive music, and the fact that you have no shirt on.

Thank you.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Things I have learned from my dad

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. In honor of him, here is a list of the things that only he could teach me.

1. Music makes life better. Gram Parsons, Emmy Lou and Bob Dylan make it awesome.

2. Life is too short to be serious. When in doubt, make a joke. Chances are someone will think you are funny.

3. Even if no one else thinks you are funny. Dad is always there to tell you what you should have said and how you can get 'em next time.

4. Grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese are acceptable for dinner. As long as mom isn't home.

5. Even if you have just had dinner, there is always room for Rainbow Stew.

6. Life is too short to have a job you hate. Find something that you enjoy, and do it with all your heart.

7. Mexico is where it's at. You can buy fireworks, cheap furniture and chicklets. You can never have too many chicklets.

8. Mexico is also good for buying cheap ceramic crap. Ceramic crap is good for blowing up. In the Mexican desert. With m-80's.

9. Fair weather fans blow. Pick a team and stick with them through thick and thin. My dad has been a Lakers fan since before I was born. He has the original Wheaties box from like 1985.

10. Being a dad means always answering your phone when your only daughter calls. Even if that means interrupting an important business meeting. Seriously, my dad has not answered the phone when I have called only a handful of times. He could be having dinner with the president, and he would still answer the phone.

11. Being a grandpa is awesome. Even if it means that you drive 2 hours to LA 3 times a week to see your first born grand baby in the hospital.

12. If you drop your phone in your mug of hot green tea, be patient. Let it air dry and try to make a call in the morning. Most likely to your daughter to tell her what a tool you are for dropping your phone in your green tea.

13. Tires bounce. Do not toss them down a flight of stairs. Toward a window. At your place of business.

14. Don't mess with the Border Police. Let them search your car as much as they want. After all, even though there is that odd smell in the car, you have nothing to hide.... except maybe a tummy ache and a few empty cans of beanie weenies.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

An Easter List

1. We started out the day by going to Cracker Barrel for lunch. It was awesome. Home Style Chicken never tasted so good.

2. Dylan hacked on the lady sitting at the table next to us, she turned around with the strangest look on her face. Then laughed. She thought that we had a dog at the table.

3. We took family pictures in the back yard tonight. I wore a skirt and sat lady like in the grass.

4. Then I realized that I am allergic to grass. My legs are on fire.

5. After we took the pictures it was time for Dylan's bath.

6. I opened a new bottle of baby shampoo and had a huge glob leap oh so perfectly in my eye. 

7. They lied, because that stung. I leaned over the bathtub and splashed water into my eye. Then I realized that the bath water had my dirty son in it, and he had just peed.

8. My eye started to sting a little more.

9. I took shower to get the urine, baby boy dirt, and soap out of my eye, and the grass off my legs and came downstairs to Jeff watching Smoky and the Bandit. The movie is stupid, but there is a really cute basset hound in it that made the movie better.

10. Now, Dylan is in bed, Jeff and I are enjoying a homemade strawberry cobbler, and we are going to play another round of Scrabble.

11. Did I mention that I am a glutton for punishment?

12. And now.... pictures of my child.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dylan's first trip to the hospital

Dylan had an eventful day. So did mommy. Please allow me to explain.

Last night Dylan had a cough, but it sounded like just a cough that was caused by too much saliva from drooling. So I put him to bed and didn't think much of it.

Until midnight. Dylan woke up and was coughing. Not just regular coughing, this cough sounded like a barking seal. (Cute, I know, but when I tried to get him to balance a ball on his nose he just looked at me).

He wouldn't nurse, which is odd because he loves to nurse at night. He doesn't usually even open his eyes. He fusses, I nurse him, and he falls right back to sleep.

Last night though, he was hard to calm down. And he was up a lot coughing.

Then he was up for good at 5 am. Dylan needs to get the memo that 5 am is not acceptable. The sun isn't even up at 5 am.

So daddy took Dylan downstairs and let me sleep.

It was amazing. I haven't had a nap without Dylan sleeping next to me in a couple weeks. Ah....mazing.

Then Dylan was getting fussy and daddy brought him up to nurse. Then we all took a nap. Daddy got 1/4 of the bed, I got 1/4 and Dylan took half. How can someone who fits in my arms take up that much room?

Dylan was still coughing, but I was sure that it was just a cold or something.

Dylan and I then got ready and attended The Great Cloth Diaper Change. It is a global event that took place today. Moms and babies all over the world changed their babies at the exact same time and we are hoping to set a world record and get in The Book. No, not that book, the Guinness Book of World Records.

Well, Dylan and I mingled a little bit, but I kept him in his sling and tried to keep him away from other babies.

I decided that Dylan sounded awful and that he was not getting better. In fact, the cough was getting worse by the minute. And people were starting to stare. You know, the kind of stare that says, "Lady, stop letting your child hack all over me and my child and take your germ infested baby to a doctor." Yeah, that look.

So I took Dylan to the UT walk in clinic. It is located in a building at the furthest point possible from my house while still being in the city limits. I got there and was so excited to see that no one was in the waiting room. Odd, but I walked in.

There was a nurse sitting at the desk ready to check us in. I couldn't believe my luck. I have never seen a walk in clinic this empty.

I signed Dylan Ple..... and the nurse asked how old Dylan was. I smiled and said "7 months today!" in an excited voice.

The "I hate my job and want to make everyone else hate life" nurse smiled an evil smile and told me that they didn't treat kids younger than 2.


Nurse Ratchet told me that Children's Hospital had a non urgent walk in. The good news was that it was another 20-30 minute drive and my son was ready to cough up a lung.

I got back on the interstate and called Children's to find out where the clinic was. The operator told me that they only had an ER. No walk in.

Of course. Nurse Ratchet got the  last word. Witch.

So I called Jeff and told him that I was sick of running all around town. I was just going to take Dylan (who was now coughing uncontrollably in the back seat) to the Children's Hospital ER.

I arrived and was almost brought to tears. There were only 3 people waiting. This meant that Dylan would be seen before his first birthday.

The triage nurse took his vitals and asked some routine questions and then Dylan let out a huge cough and flung his lung across the room. Okay, only the first part is true. The nurse looked at him and said "Wow, sounds like he has croup." I of course freaked out and almost fainted before the nurse told me that it was nothing serious, but it was good that we came when we did. *Sigh of relief*

I sat back down in the waiting room for about 45 seconds before they called Dylan back.

For those of you that don't believe in God, hear this. The waiting room at a Children's Hospital is usually as crowded as Disneyland on a Saturday in the middle of Summer. The fact that we got called back so quickly almost made me faint a second time. Proof that there is a God and that he does care that my baby is sick and that I cannot handle another child being stuck in a hospital.

Okay moving on. 

Dylan got a breathing treatment, that he hated and screamed over for 30 minutes. Yeah, that was fun. And he got a chest x-ray, that he also hated and screamed about for 15 minutes. And he got an oral steroid that tasted like cherry that he hated and tried to spit back out on his mommy.

We had to wait around for 2 hours to make sure that the breathing treatment worked and that he didn't relapse.

This was okay with me. The hospital had cable. Mommy watched tv while Dylan laid on my lap and played, and cried, and played, and cried, and screamed, and nursed, and cried more.

We finally got discharged. The nurses and doctor were wonderful and Dylan was already feeling better, I could tell.

As soon as I buckled Dylan into the car seat, he fell asleep. 

He is now asleep in his room, with a humidifier, on an elevated mattress, in a cool room, with a dose of Motrin in his little body. 

And that was our day.

The best part? Little man is contagious and so we will not be able to go to church tomorrow. I was so looking forward to going. But instead, we are going to celebrate at home. Perhaps I will even let Jeff take me to Bojangle's for lunch. Either way, I am glad.

And so was Dylan. Little man smiled every time he coughed up a lung.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Why I wear Dylan

1. Because the calories from oreos don't burn themselves off. My child weighs about 20 pounds. That is one (very cute) 20 pound weight. And that is a lot of calories burned.

2. Because it helps with milk production. Did you know that having your baby close to you makes your breastmilk production increase? Not that I need help. I am a cow. Literally, a cow. Below is a picture of how much I pumped with Brendan in one sitting.

3. Because I get back rubs. After having Dylan in the sling for 2 hours, my back is a little sore, but not really. But I say that it is and I get Jeff to rub my back for me. Jeff gives awesome back rubs.

4. Because the top of Dylan's head smells amazing. And when he is that close to me, I get to smell it, kiss it, and feel his bald little head as much as I want.

5. Because I get attention. Whenever he is in the sling, people look at him and want to see him and think that it is so cute that I am wearing him. Not many moms around here wear their babies (and I understand, it was 80 degrees outside today and after about an hour, Dylan and I were both sweating!)

6. Because when Dylan is in the sling, it is the only time that he will let his hands be tied down. Any other time, if you hold his hands down, he will scream, fuss and usually kick you in the face. But in the sling, his hands are at his side and he loves it.

7. Because mommies were made to be snuggled. Seriously, I have squishy hips, middle and chest like I never had before I had kids. This leads me to believe that babies want to snuggle. And what better place to snuggle than on my squishiest part... well, second squishiest....wait no, third squishiest... Whatever, he can snuggle on my chest. He has two very comfortable pillows right there!

8. Because there is nothing that I love more than having Dylan fall asleep on me. And what makes a baby fall asleep faster than mom, movement, and 2 comfy pillows?

9. Did I already mention losing weight? Because I also like Dr. Pepper. And there is a lot of sugar in Dr. Pepper. Can you imagine what I would look like if I didn't walk around carrying my son like a kangaroo? The oreos and Dr. Pepper would catch up with me for sure.

So here is to all the oreos you can eat, all the Dr. Pepper you can drink, all the snuggles, squishy parts, and cute glances.

Dylan, you are the cutest weight loss plan mommy will ever follow.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Why I breastfeed

Although some moms choose to formula feed for one reason or another, I am thankful that I was able to breastfeed. Here's why.

1. Because I hate doing the dishes.

2. Because I love that it means I get extra snuggle time with my little man.

3. Because my grandmother has (but is in remission for) breast cancer. For those of you that don't know, breast feeding reduces the risk of breast cancer the longer that you do it.

4. Because I can eat oreos (Double Stuf), fried chicken, and ice cream, and still loose weight. I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks with Brendan and 50 pounds in 2 months with Dylan. And I am still loosing, albeit a little slower now that I can down an entire bag of Double Stuf Oreos in one sitting. A personal best!

5. Because I am cheap. Formula is expensive. Do you know how many Coach purses I could buy with the money I am saving? Ahem. I mean, I am saving for Dylan to go to a great college. 

6. Because breastfeeding your child passes on immunities that makes them healthier. My child has not gotten sick and he is almost 7 months old. Which works out for me because I am so not a fan of cleaning up someone else's throw up.

7. Because breast milk tastes like the food I eat. It changes daily. Which means that Dylan will grow up liking green beans, broccoli and peas. Okay, he will also like oreos and ice cream, but who's counting.

8. Because I am the laziest person on earth. I love that at 4 in the morning I can walk into Dylan's room when I hear him fuss, pull down my shirt and fall asleep in the rocking chair while he eats.

9. Because I am the most forgetful person on earth. I never have to remember to bring bottles, formula and water with me wherever I go. Thankfully my boobs are attached to me, otherwise I am sure I would forget those, too!

10. Because seriously, I am the laziest person on earth. I really do hate dishes, and the thought of walking downstairs at 4 in the morning makes me want to cry. 

11. And I also hate the idea of remembering to buy formula. Do you know how many times Jeff and I have run out of something as important as milk or bread in the house just because I was day dreaming and forgot to go to the grocery store? My child would starve.

12. Because with parents like me and Jeff, this child is probably going to be allergic to air. Breastfeeding reduces allergies in babies, including food allergies. I am not sure how my life would go on if I couldn't make my famous brownies for my kids. 

13. And lastly, breastfed babies have a lower risk of obesity as children and adults, and with all the oreos and brownies mommy will have around the house, this kid will need all he help he can get.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

It's not easy being green

1. I started feeling sick this morning. I thought I was pregnant. I took a test. I am not pregnant.

2. Jeff started feeing sick this morning. He didn't think he was pregnant.

3. Dylan started feeling sick last night. He was up a lot last night. He is also not pregnant.

4. I got home from hanging out with a friend today and felt like a got hit by a truck. I tried to take a nap with Dylan. He wasn't having it. So I laid there and listened to him fuss next to me in bed and held him.

5. I finally decided to nurse Dylan and see if he would fall asleep so I could rest. He was able to rest and fell asleep in my arms. 

6. The problem? I was unable to move due to feeling incredibly sick. I was going to throw up. The thing is I would rather lay down and not move for 10 hours, than throw up. So in the rocking chair I stayed, with Dylan passed out in my arms.

7. Then it hit me. I reached over towards the trash can and threw up. I didn't even have time to put Dylan down. I literally leaned over him and threw up in the trash can.

8. This woke up little man. And the sound of my gut retching scared him half to death and he started to cry.

9. Meanwhile, everything that I have eaten in the last 7 years is coming up and I can do nothing but hold Dylan and hope that I don't throw up on him.

10. Dylan is currently asleep in our bed.

11. Jeff is laying on the couch moaning in pain.

12. I am sitting on the couch, sipping Sprite (it has never tasted SO good) and writing about my day. Reliving it actually makes me feel sick again.

13. So I am going to go. Perhaps to drink more Sprite, perhaps to eat some soup. But either way I am going to go.

Good night. And my apologies to those of you with a weak stomach. Perhaps I should have warned you at the beginning. But then, you all know me, and you know that I over share. You should have seen it coming.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A list for Monday

1. I asked Dylan's pediatrician last week at his appointment what kinds of birth control I could take while breastfeeding and she told me that I can take any kind even if it has estrogen in it, Dylan will just develop boobies. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

2. I am the only person in our household with boobies.

3. I will remain the only person in our household with boobies for a while.

4. I went to my doctor today to talk about birth control options. He is gorgeous. I have dubbed him Mc Cutie. Seriously. It is awful that I have to talk about girlie things like sex, periods, and well, girlie things.

5. At my appointment I mentioned that I have been having headaches for about a week now. Mc Cutie looked in my ears to make sure I didn't have an ear infection. Right ear: looking good, left ear: and I quote "Well, you have too much ear wax built up for me to see much of anything." Well, while we are on the subject let's discuss bowel movements, urination and embarrassing odor, shall we? I died. Then I decided to try and save my dignity with this winning comment, "Well, I was always told not to put anything in my ear bigger than my elbow." Yes, I actually used that phrase. The best part, Mc Cutie told me I was right. Good thing that Mc Cutie is also Mc Polite. 

6. My son can drive. He is very advanced for his age.

7. My son is also a ladies man. This is him with McKenna, Abigail and Faith.

8. I am tired, so I am going to go to bed. Good night world.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I did it

I gave in. I can't believe that I did.

I know that Jeff wants 2 more babies. This waistline isn't getting smaller any time soon.

I have thought about it for almost 6 months now. I have tried making it work. I have tried every possible option. Except one.

This one option is like giving up. It means that I acknowledge that I am not a size 6 any more. Ahem, yeah okay you caught me. I haven't been a size 6 since 7th grade. But moving on.

It means that I realize that these stretch marks, the wrinkly skin, the swollen ankles, and chubby fingers are here to stay. 

Personally, I blame Dylan, and Brendan, and fried chicken. I blame Nabisco for making double stuf oreos. I blame the sweltering hot summers. I blame Tennessee.

But none of it is my fault. I cannot take responsibility for this. I had no choice.

It's for the best, though, because after 6 months of cramming it on my chubby little finger, there is a bruise, and raw skin at the knuckle. It hurts to bend my finger. And there is one spot that no longer has feeling. Permanently. 

For the sake of my finger. I gave in.

I gave in, and I had my ring sized. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dear Grey's Anatomy:

Dear Grey's Anatomy:

There are some flaws in your show. Please allow me to explain:

1. First of all, if I ever have to get rushed to the hospital and the doctor takes forever to come to my room, I am going to worry that he was just in the on call room making out with a nurse.

2. If I ever work in a hospital, I am going to be paranoid that something serious will happen to me. It seems like bombs explode, shooters go on rampages and doctors get sick every week. Note to self, never work in a hospital.

3. The next time I go to the hospital I am going to be seriously disappointed. I guarantee that my doctor will not be as hot as Mc Dreamy, Mc Steamy, or any of the other doctors. With my luck, he will be old, wrinkly and fat.

4. I will always take the stairs at the hospital. This isn't because I want to be healthy. This is because, according to your show, doctors will be doing it in the elevator. This is because I can't go in the elevator without thinking about all the nasty germs that are coating the walls and buttons. So congrats Grey's Anatomy, you just made me healthier.

5. Every doctor and nurse is dating, sleeping with, or married to another doctor or nurse. This probably goes back to #3. In the real world, most people try to keep their work life separate from their home lives.

6. And finally, after seeing last week's show, the next time I go to the hospital, I expect the doctors to sing. Not just hum to them selves, but I expect them to serenade me with Snow Patrol songs.

So Grey's Anatomy, you may have ruined elevators for me, but I can't keep from watching you every week. So, keep the doctors cute and keep the drama coming.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A list for Friday

1. Tomorrow Jeff, Dylan and I are going to Dollywood.

2. Growing up I thought that Dollywood was a theme park dedicated to Dolly Parton. I thought that there were literally walls and walls of Dolly paraphernalia every where.

3. Dollywood is actually kinda cool. There are rides. Fast rides. Wooden rides. Upside down rides. Carrie likey.

4. My mom gave me a laptop. It is her old laptop. It. Is. Awesome. Jeff is currently wiping out the hard drive and reinstalling Windows.

5. I plan to write a book. #4 will help me reach that goal. And will help me down the spiral from addicted to facebook to completely and utterly useless.

6. I am going to be one of those people that you see at coffee shops crouched over their laptops with glasses on, a latte, and a look of severe concentration.

7. The one problem with #6 is that I have a baby. I don't have time to sit at a coffee shop. I also don't wear glasses. I prefer mochas and frappuchinos to lattes and I can't concentrate on anything for more than 15 seconds. That was more than one problem wasn't it?

8. And now, a retrospective:

9/23/2010- Birthday!

One month old. Thanks Bill Roop for taking such awesome pictures!

Two months old. Thanksgiving day.

Three months old. Oh dear where does the time go?

Four months and the start of the extreme drooling stage.

Five months and cuter than ever!

At his 6 month check up. Healthy, happy and bigger than ever!

9. My baby is almost 7 months old. I repeat. My baby is almost 7 months old. Someone hand me a tissue.

10. Now that I have a laptop I can blog more. Way more. Watch out world. And read at your own risk. 

11. My mom and mother in law will hate #10. They both think that I over share.

12. I do over share. I have nothing to hide. I am an open book. Ask me anything. Chances are you will get way more info than you ever wanted to know.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Carrie's weight loss plan for swimsuit season

Want to loose weight before swimsuit season? Just follow these simple rules and the pounds will melt off:

1. Have a baby. Preferably 2 in less than one year. This will make you weigh more, and therefore make your success on the scale more impressive.

2. Get stressed out when your child is fussy. This makes you not hungry for dinner.

3. Get little to no sleep. This makes is easy to refuse the midnight snack when you wake up starving due to #2.

4. Have a fussy baby who wants to be held and walk him around the block, twice.

5. Have a big baby. That way when you walk around the block for the tenth time in one day, you are working harder than you would if your child were, say, in the 50th percentile, instead of the 90th.

6. Breastfeed your baby. You will loose about 500 calories a day. However, if you really want to boost your calories burned, have a baby that wants to eat all day, all night, and everything in between.

7. Choose sleep over food. By the end of the day I am usually so tired that I pass out and forget to eat. Well, let's be honest, this doesn't happen that often, but it has happened once or twice.

8. Have a baby that likes to be out and about all day and hates being at home. This means that you will be walking around the mall, a park or any place where you can stay moving.

9. Have a baby that likes to eat as soon as you start to eat. I haven't had a hot meal in almost 7 months. Cold food is far less appetizing.

10. Spend hours holding, playing with and laughing at your baby. Time passes too quickly and you will forget not only to eat, but also what day it is. You may even pull a Carrie and think that you have already eaten when in fact you haven't had a bite to eat all day and it's 4 in the afternoon.

Well, that's my plan. Results may vary. Side effects include loss of mind,  loss of hair, headaches, ringing in ears, and loss of social life. Use at your own risk.