Thursday, April 7, 2011

Carrie's weight loss plan for swimsuit season

Want to loose weight before swimsuit season? Just follow these simple rules and the pounds will melt off:

1. Have a baby. Preferably 2 in less than one year. This will make you weigh more, and therefore make your success on the scale more impressive.

2. Get stressed out when your child is fussy. This makes you not hungry for dinner.

3. Get little to no sleep. This makes is easy to refuse the midnight snack when you wake up starving due to #2.

4. Have a fussy baby who wants to be held and walk him around the block, twice.

5. Have a big baby. That way when you walk around the block for the tenth time in one day, you are working harder than you would if your child were, say, in the 50th percentile, instead of the 90th.

6. Breastfeed your baby. You will loose about 500 calories a day. However, if you really want to boost your calories burned, have a baby that wants to eat all day, all night, and everything in between.

7. Choose sleep over food. By the end of the day I am usually so tired that I pass out and forget to eat. Well, let's be honest, this doesn't happen that often, but it has happened once or twice.

8. Have a baby that likes to be out and about all day and hates being at home. This means that you will be walking around the mall, a park or any place where you can stay moving.

9. Have a baby that likes to eat as soon as you start to eat. I haven't had a hot meal in almost 7 months. Cold food is far less appetizing.

10. Spend hours holding, playing with and laughing at your baby. Time passes too quickly and you will forget not only to eat, but also what day it is. You may even pull a Carrie and think that you have already eaten when in fact you haven't had a bite to eat all day and it's 4 in the afternoon.

Well, that's my plan. Results may vary. Side effects include loss of mind,  loss of hair, headaches, ringing in ears, and loss of social life. Use at your own risk.

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