Friday, January 29, 2010

Big smiles in heaven

A friend tonight posted that she is going to have a long night because her son isn't sleeping well. I wish that was me. I would do anything to be up all night with Brendan.

I remember one night he didn't sleep well because he was having seizures. He got really fussy and wanted to be held all night long. He finally fell asleep in my arms. It was a very long night, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I hate feeling jealous of my friends. I want to be happy for them, but all I keep thinking is that I should be staying up all night dealing with a fussy baby. I should be wearing pajama pants to the grocery store and not showering until noon.

I don't know how I am "supposed" to feel. I know that Brendan is happy. I know that he can take a deep breath and can see everything around him and comprehend everything, too. He is surrounded by angels; Eric, Glenda, and many more that are taking care of him and showing him the ropes. I imagine that Brendan is climbing trees, riding bikes, playing in the mud, and smiling all the time. I imagine that God is watching Brendan out of the corner of his eyes just to make sure that he is okay.

Dear God, please take care of my Brenny. Please let him know that mommy and daddy miss him, but that we will see him soon. Thank you for the time that we had with him. I know that he is happy to be with you and is smiling that big smile right now.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I went shopping today with my mom. I really needed some retail therapy. I had a good time. It is weird, though. Even in the times that I am enjoying myself, he is always on my mind. It is like my arms miss the way that it feels to have him in them. When it is quiet, I can still hear his crying. When I lay in bed, I can still imagine that he is laying next to me during one of our naps.

I am not sure when the feeling will end. I suppose that it never will. And to be honest, I am not sure that I want it to.

My life has been forever changed because of Brendan. I am a mommy. I have the mommy badge of honor (stretch marks :)). I carried him 9 months and 2 days. I have endured labor. I have loved more in 3 months than most people love in a lifetime. I have also experienced more pain in 3 months than I have ever experienced. I have also experienced the mommy instinct and almost strangled a nurse :) because I know what my son needs. I also know that every single decision I made as a mom was in the best interest of my son. They were the hardest decisions ever, but I know that they were the best for him. There is nothing that I would change. I am so glad that Brendan was with us for the time that he was. I would not change that for anything in the world.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Welcome to my blog

First of all, what the heck does the word blog mean? What a stupid word. Anyways.....moving on.

This is my blog about being a mommy and about my amazing son. I have decided that after his passing, there are so many things I want to remember about him. I didn't have a ton of time after he was born to write. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. So this is my way of remembering him.

I think that the theme of my blog is going to be the 97 days that Brendan was with us. I thought about posting 97 blogs over 97 days with 97 pictures, but I don't want to have an end to this blog. I think I am just going to write until I feel like stopping.

To open this blog, I am going to post one of my favorite pictures of Brendan. This picture was taken on November 15. It was the day before his second surgery to fix pyloric stenosis. The nurses had to shave his head to put a PICC line in. They told me that they were only going to shave part of his head but they ended up shaving all of it. It was so depressing because they weren't even able
to get a good vein. Seriously, a shaved head for nothing. The good thing is that the nurses saved his hair for me.

This is the epitome of Brendan. Always sleepy, but always aware of his surroundings. He always had at least one eye open and liked knowing what was going on around him. Whenever he heard daddy or mommy's voice he would pretend to be alseep, but would open his eyes slightly just to take a look at us. Once he saw that it was us, he would close his eyes again. I love this picture.