Saturday, January 22, 2011

One year

Dear Brendan,

One year ago, on January 23rd, you passed away. It was 4:30 in the morning and we had both fallen asleep about a half hour before. When I woke up, you were gone.

It has been a year and so much has changed.

The day that we picked up your ashes, we found out that we were pregnant with your little brother, Dylan. It was also uncle Shaun's birthday. It was a bittersweet day.

I missed you so much, but I couldn't believe that God blessed us with another baby. I was scared that we might loose another baby. I was excited to be pregnant. I was nervous that people would think that we were trying to replace you.

I was holding your ashes, and holding your baby brother in my belly at the same time. Nothing could replace you, Brendan. You will always be Dylan's older brother. You will always be my first born. You are the reason that I am a mommy.

Since that day, we moved to Tennessee. We have a house. We have a wonderful baby boy. He looks like you a little bit, but mostly looks like dad. 

It is weird that your younger brother is older than you. He is healthy and happy. He is growing so strong. He smiles and laughs all the time now.

He looks up to the sky and talks to the ceiling sometimes. I am convinced that he is talking to you. It makes me smile to know that you two are friends. I like to think that when Dylan laughs at the wall, it is because you are telling him a joke that you learned in heaven.

I like to think that you are Dylan's guardian angel.

Thank you for making me a mommy. Thank you for taking care of your little brother. I miss you, sweetie. Happy one year anniversary in Heaven! Eat all the cake you want. Don't worry, tell Jesus that mom says it's okay.

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