I know that I have been lagging on my blog. I am struggling with trying to keep things upbeat. Lots of people read this and I am having a hard time opening up. I don't want to sound like a complainer, or like a huge downer.
But the truth is that my son is gone. I will no longer hold him in my arms. I will never be able to watch him grow up. I will never be able to hear his first words. I am among the few people in this world that has outlived their child.
I did however get to sing to him. He loved it when I sang Amazing Grace. I discovered this in the middle of the night when Brendan was super fussy. I was so tired and I couldn’t think of any other song. So I started singing it and he calmed right down. He took a deep breath after a minute or 2 and fell asleep in my arms. So from that moment on, I kept that in my back pocket to calm him down.
I did get to tell him about how his dad and I met. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like hearing the story about how their parents met? Brendan was still in the hospital and it was when he was intubated so I wasn’t able to hold him. I held his hand and told him about how we met at church. I told him how it was pretty much love at first sight and how his dad proposed to me 5 months after we met. I talked about the wedding and I told Brendan that his dad and I promised to love each other forever.
I also got to hold my son when he took his last breath. I sang to him and told him that I would love him forever and he would always be my son. I told him that his dad and I would not let this experience ruin our relationship. I promised Brendan that we would stay together and his life and death would make us stronger as a couple.
We fell asleep together on the couch at 4 am on January 23. I knew that he was not doing well and it was only a matter of time. I tried to stay awake as long as possible just talking to him and telling him that I loved him. He was wrapped tight in my arms and I kissed him goodnight and closed my eyes for just a few minutes. I laid him on my chest (his favorite place), and I let my heart beat soothe him to sleep. We feel asleep together. I woke up at 4:30 and listened for Brendan’s breathing and a heartbeat. It wasn’t there. I kissed him, and again told him that I would always love him and that he would always be mine.
I may not have had all the time in the world with him, but I tried to make every moment count.