Yes, I am an 80 year old woman

So apparently I write too much for the 425 word limit on facebook. So I decided to share it on here. Because we all know that I like to share info. And more info is good, and too much info is what I do best.

So, I went to the doctor today for my back. She told me to take it easy, not lift anything heavy, and have someone pick up Dylan for me so I can rest my back. She is new to the practice, can you tell?

Well, in her defense I was carrying Dylan in the sling when she walked in, but hold him is not the problem, it is lifting him. But whatever.

I am pretty sure that "not lifting Dylan" is not an option. Because the last time I checked, nanny services are not covered by insurance. Although I kinda wish they were because I could totally use a full night's sleep, and someone to clean the house, and someone to cook for me, and run errands.

But alas, I live in the real world. I cannot take a break from motherhood. I cannot simply not hold my child. I refuse to not carry him in the sling, I refuse to ignore him and not lift him and snuggle. I am a mommy and if back pain is part of the deal, then I will just suffer through it.

In the meantime I am totally annoyed with my doctor. How lame do you have to be? When I told her that I have to pick up my baby and take care of him she shrugged. She told me that I need to rest. I think that some doctors need to get their heads out of the books and adapt their diagnosis to real life! GAH!

How my life is like the Jersey Shore

1. All day everyday it is GTL: grumpiness, tantrums, and laundry.


2. I am also tan. Not by choice, but because I forget to put sunscreen on myself, I usually just worry about Dylan. Hey, at least he doesn't get burned.


3. Like Snooki, I also have big hair. Tennessee humidity + exhaustion + not being able to take a shower without a 10 month old crawling into the tub = big hair in a bun on a daily basis.


4. There is lots of crying in my house as well. Although to be fair, Dylan is more mature than those kids any day of the week.


5. Drama. My life has lots of drama. Hey MTV, make a show about my life and pay me $250,000 an episode. I guarantee people would watch. Besides, I am way hotter than Snooki! JWOW, maybe not, but Snooki? Come on!


6. We also have nicknames in my house: Dylan is Dyls, Dill pickle (thanks auntie Heather), and little man. Jeff and I call each other bubbers. It all started when we would call each other baby, then it evolved into bubbers, because apparently baby wasn't cute enough. What? you think The Situation has a better nickname? At least my nickname doesn't have a THE in the beginning. GAH!


7. And finally, here are some nicknames we are currently trying out in my house:


Jeff: Jeffy P
Dylan: Sticky Situation
Me: Mom-WOW (because I am mom and I can do anything!)

Things I never thought I would experience as a mom

1. Getting thrown up on. Not just on my shirt, but down my leg, down my shirt into my bra, and in my hair. It was so bad that it pooled in my flip flop. My flip flops are currently soaking in the sink.


2. Less than 2 hours of sleep. The last time that I got less than 2 hours was in high school at the church over nighter. The morning after was rough. My life is one big morning after.


3. Not leaving the house after 6 pm. My life revolves around my son getting a good night sleep.


4. Not going on dates with my husband. Because that would mean leaving the house past 6 pm. For further explanation see #3.


5. More laundry that God himself could possibly ever clean. I have said it once and I will say it again, how can one child exponentially increase my loads of laundry. He is ONE LITTLE MAN!


6. Being touched, grabbed, poked, prodded, sucked on, snuggled, tugged at and groped every waking moment of the day, and no, not by my husband. That would be a welcome change. But by the end of the day I am too tired. For further explanation see #2


7. Poop, poop and more poop. Up his back, in his hair, down his leg. My child can poop. If there were an Olympic event on pooping, my child would win hands down. Because he could poop circles around any baby that dared go against him.


8. Insanity. Yes I am going crazy. Because in the middle of the night, I hear imaginary crying. I think I hear Dylan, I go into his room, and he is still and quiet. There are times that I know I have gone totally bonkers because I will hear Dylan while I am napping, I will sit up, listen again, and then realize that Jeff took Dylan to the store so I could rest. But I swear to you that I hear my baby's cries. Wow, I really am crazy.


9. A lightning fast baby who can crawl up the stairs in 3.4 seconds. I timed him. Okay that's a lie, but he is fast. Turn your head for a second and he is already out of the room and headed for the stairs. This is also why I lose weight so quickly. I chase this little climber all over the house.


10. Breastfeeding in public. Yes, I know, those of you that know me, know that I will totally feed him in the middle of a busy mall no problem. But I used to be way more terrified to show any part of my boob, side, top, anything. But, because Dylan literally refuses to be covered, I had to deal with it if I ever wanted to leave the house. Now, I would breastfeed in the middle of Times Square on New Years Eve. Because in my opinion, it is the most natural thing ever.


11. Eating anything I want and not gaining weight. This has not happened since high school. I used to be able to eat everything in sight and then fit into a size 4 jean. Okay fine I was a 6, but still. Today, because I have the little eating machine attached to my boob (in the middle of Times Square) at all times, I can eat anything. Tonight before dinner, I ate 6 handfuls of chocolate chips. Then for dinner I had a piece of pizza. Then I topped it off with a bowl of ice cream. And I am still not done eating for the night. I may have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or double stuf oreos, or brownies, or mashed potatoes, or garlic bread, or I could have chips and salsa. Wait, what was I talking about? I forgot. I am going to go raid the kitchen.

When I am stressed I.....

1. Talk, a lot. So much in fact that the people around me get annoyed. And not just normal annoyed, tune me out and want to hurt me annoyed. You think I talk a lot on a normal basis? Just wait...


2. Drink caffeine. Because I feel like I need more energy to deal with my a) screaming child b) my fussy child, and c) my overly tired child. This of course does not help with #1. Because as you can imagine, with more caffeine, I am likely to talk for hours on end without breathing. It has been known to happen.


3. Clean. Yes, I am Monica Geller. I clean obsessively when I am stressed. This is good because a) I am burning calories and b) the house gets super clean. Yep, heath inspector clean.


4. Want so badly to step into a hot bath with bubbles and tune out the world, but the little man that refuses to sleep, eat, or do anything remotely relaxing won't let me relax. Therefore, I turn to #'s 1-3


5. Mostly, though, when I am stressed, I eat. And let's be honest. This girl can eat. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, brownies, ice cream, string cheese (I know that this is not terribly exciting, but I don't pull it apart, I just shove the whole thing in my mouth. It is not attractive), oreos - double stuf, of course, chocolate chips (because they are the only chocolate in the house and better than nothing), crackers, chips and salsa. You name it, I will eat it when I am stressed.


The reason that I tell you this is because my child is currently fussing it out in his crib. He has been cranky all day long. He is overly tired. He is so tired in fact that he refuses to nurse, rest, sleep, or be calm. I have already had 2 brownies. These brownies were made less than an hour ago. They are supposed to be saved for tomorrow night bible study. Oops. This is why I do not have sweets in the house. Because they last all of 20 minutes before the shear temptation and smell over takes me and I give in and eat them. When I am stressed, the smell and temptation take over in less than 5 minutes. It is really quite a thing to behold.


The other reason I tell you this is because my house is perfectly clean. There is nothing to clean. Therefore I had to resort to eating. I blame my fat butt on the clean house. Stupid house.