Friday, May 28, 2010

Is this your first?


Well, daddy and I went out to dinner tonight. That's not usually a big deal, we do it a lot. But tonight was a good night. Daddy and I met a couple that was a  lot of fun and without boring you with the details (adults talk too much and I know that it bores you kids) here's what happened.

We were talking (we were all sitting at the bar) and the woman saw that I was pregnant and asked if I had any other kids. This is a tough situation for me. I hate bringing up that you died, because most strangers get all uncomforable, and it tends to bring the conversation to a screeching halt. But on the other hand, I feel like I am denying you when I don't bring it up. I usually just say that this pregnancy is our first. I feel like people have a general expectation of you, that you smile and act happy and that in social situations, you don't make waves. No one wants to hear the bad stuff. We are all expected to put on a happy face.

Tonight, however, I told the woman that this is not our first. That we had a wonderful son in October that was born with some health issues, and that he passed away in January. She got quiet and said that she was very sorry. I apologized and told her that I don't like bringing it up, but that it feels good to be honest and just be myself. I have a son in heaven. Just because you are not here on earth doesn't mean that you don't exist.

I have struggled with this since your death. I have decided that if people want to get to know me, or just want to have a conversation with me, they are going to know the real me. I am not going to pretend that I am a new mom, that I have never been pregnant before and that you aren't my son. I am okay with that. I am not going to shout it from the mountain tops (as there are not many mountain tops in Irvine), but when people ask, they are going to get the truth.

I am a proud mom, and I am a proud survivor. The fact that I am still standing here (actually, I am sitting on the couch with daddy's laptop- but it's a saying Brendan, go with it) is a miracle. The fact that I can still smile, enjoy your daddy and our marriage, go out on dates, hang out with friends, go shopping, whatever, it is testament to the strength that God has given me. I know that God wants me to show people what he has done in my life. There is no reason that I need to hide my past. I hope that because of your life and because of the peace and strength God has given me throughout your life and death, other peoples lives will be impacted. 

You will always be my son, you will always be my first. I love you Brendan.

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