Playing in the mud

So, it's been almost 3 weeks. I love being a mom.


But there are things that happen on a daily basis that make me miss Brendan.


Just the other night I was feeding Dylan in the middle of the night, rocking on the rocking chair in our bedroom and started to cry. I never got a chance to feed Brendan. When Brendan was 2 weeks old, he was lying in a hospital bed recovering from heart surgery. I wasn't even able to hold him.


I stared at Dylan and just thought about how lucky I was that I get to hold him whenever I want, but it also made me sad that I didn't get that chance with Brendan.


Dylan cries. Brendan had the most pathetic little cry. He wasn't even able to cry a majority of the time because he was intubated.


Dylan is home. Brendan was stuck in the hospital. I wasn't able to do all the things with him that I am with Dylan, like to go the store, go out to a restaurant, go to a friends house.


Dylan is awake for a couple hours during the day. Brendan was on some strong pain medicine and one side effect was drowsiness. He slept most of the day.


Dylan gets to breastfeed. Brendan had a tube that gave him all of his food.


Dylan can lie on his back without losing oxygen. It's kind of remarkable. I sometimes freak out just looking at him thinking that he is going to stop breathing, then I remember that healthy babies are supposed to be on their backs.


I talk to Dylan at night while Jeff is sleeping and Dylan is having his midnight snack. I tell him about his brother. I tell him that he was a strong little man who fought and fought to be on this earth. I tell Dylan that Brendan gave his dad and I the most joy that we have ever experienced. I tell him that Brendan was a sweet little boy and that I think that he is Dylan's guardian angel. 


I think that Brendan and Dylan were hanging out in heaven before Dylan arrived. I think that they were playing in the mud and giving God a hard time, as boys tend to do.

Brendan - 3 months old

Dylan - 3 days old

You know, Dylan has a couple little freckles on his neck and head. I think that he and Brendan forgot to wash all the mud off and those freckles are just mud spots. Well, I am sure that they are just freckles. But it's fun to pretend. It makes me feel like Brendan is close by.