Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Happy Birthday Brendan Shaun

I was thinking of clever and funny subjects to write about for Brendan's 2nd birthday. 

I thought about writing a timeline of the day he was born, but, to be honest, that was the longest day of my life and even 2 years later, it is still draining. I got to 9:00 am and was tired already. Reliving a day like that is exhausting emotionally. So, I have saved that post and will finish later.

Then I thought it would be interesting to write about how I went into labor (it happened just after 9 am when my water broke on the couch), and how I made Jeff take me to Panera Bread on my way to the hospital. 

I was going to write about how after Brendan was born, there was a moment when I was too naive to realize that something was wrong. That moment was amazing. I was a mother. 

I thought about writing about how even after two years I still remember his birthday like it was yesterday.

Instead, I have decided to reflect on the fact that 2 years later, I have another son. 

I have a marriage that has withstood something earth shattering, and because of that, our bond has become so strong, that nothing can break it. 

I have a one year old son that I appreciate more than I would have.

I have family that appreciates life more, and appreciates their grandchildren more.

I have a relationship with God that has grown stronger. I have had to rely on Him more than I ever thought I would have to. And I learned that it is true that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I have faith. Not how you would think. Don't get me wrong, I pray and ask God for miracles all the time. Just like I prayed that Brendan would grow up to be a healthy little man. I prayed this for 97 days straight. It was my audacious prayer. I did not doubt that God could do it. I just had faith that if he decided not to answer my prayer the way I asked, He had a good reason for it. I have faith that God is God, and I am not. 

I know that Brendan's life and death has a purpose. A Godly purpose. 

I am flattered that God thought that I was strong enough for such a trial. In the beginning I thought that I would crumble and disintegrate from the sheer agony and pain that I felt that seeped from my heart to every part of my body. I thought for sure that I would not be able to wake up and face the day. 

But God brought me through it and has given me one amazing story to tell.

So instead of writing something funny, clever, or narrative about Brendan's birthday. I have chosen instead to write what was on my heart. How 97 days changed my life. And how God will use the death of my Brendan Shaun to change lives for years to come.