Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I have met many women who have had miscarriages.

I have met a couple women who have lost a baby.

I have had 3 miscarriages and lost a baby. I have no problem talking about it. It is who I am. I am a mother to 2 little boys. I have no idea why God decided to take Brendan to heaven early. But I do know that talking about it and being open has helped a few friends who are going through similar things.

I am a very open person. It used to drive my mother crazy. I would announce when I had to pee, I would tell everyone my most embarrassing moment (there are several but one noteworthy one was on my first day of high school I was walking past my brother's group of senior - and way cooler than me - friends and I tripped on the stairs and ate it in front of all of them). I would tell everyone when I had a crush on a boy. I did this even when I met my husband. We were on a church retreat and I told all the girls that were in my cabin that I totally had a thing for Jeff, the worship leader. By the end of the weekend everyone knew. Our pastor even knew about it and was rooting me on.

This is why I am so open:

1. I have nothing to hide. I don't care if you know what size jeans I wear (12) or that I gained 35 pounds in both pregnancies. 

2. It weeds out the friends that like me for shallow reasons. If you don't like all of me, then don't waste my time.

3. It brings people together. I am more open than most people. There are things that I share that most people would not dare. When someone has a secret, something that hurts them to share, it helps to know someone who has gone through the same thing that is willing to share.

God has given me the gift of being a loudmouth. By being open, loud and generally annoying, it has allowed God to use me to share His faithfulness and mercy, His goodness and His love.

You see, I am open about many things, the fact that I am 5'10" and weigh 185. The fact that I love reality TV shows and I love double stuf oreos. The fact that I had 3 miscarriages and then finally got pregnant with a little boy. The fact that I went into labor thinking that this little boy was happy and healthy. The fact that he was born very sick and my heart was crushed. The fact that I lost this little man when he was only 97 days old. I am open about how my Father in Heaven took Brendan, and in the process he took my heart. I am open about how after 97 days on this earth, Brendan Shaun took his last breath while resting in my arms. I am open about how I trust that God has a plan, and while I may not know all the details of this plan, I know that the plan is for my own good. I am open about how despite having my heart ripped out of my chest by the death of my son, my Heavenly Father was able to put it back together and bless me with another son. 

I am open because I know that this voice is something that God gave me for a reason. I will continue to be loud and tell everyone I know that I still believe in an unchanging God. Even when everything changes around me. If only one person hears and is changed because I am open enough to share, then I know that this is one good thing that came out of Brendan's life and death. And because of this, I will never be quiet.

For my friends that have had miscarriages:


To the little ones that are up in heaven:

My little angel


  1. Thanks for remembering and for being you, dear friend!

  2. Shouldn't have read this at work. I am totally crying and have to teach in a minute!!
    Grr! Love you Carrie! You are an amazing woman! And a ROCKIN mommy.
    I love that you are so open. It helps me be more open!