Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear Brendan- 3 months

Dear Brendan,

Today marks 3 months since you died. In 6 days I will have lived more days, since your birth, without you than I had with you. Hard to believe that something so profound can come and go so quickly.

If you would have asked me 4 months ago what I imagined doing after your death, I would have said that I couldn’t possibly have moved on. I would be sitting at home crying 24/7, thinking about what a victim I am, and about how I deserve, how you deserve more.

But alas, life goes on. Since you left for heaven, daddy and I have been doing okay. I still cry, but it is not as often. I used to cry almost every night, and if I looked at a picture of you, then I would lose it. But now, I am able to look at the picture and remember what I was thinking when the picture was taken. I remember how you would curl up in my arms and sleep. I remember being the happiest mom just because you were mine.

Daddy and I have kept our promise to you: We are still very much in love. We have our fights, but we always remember that we love each other. And let’s be honest Brendan, I am not sure that anyone else would love mommy as much as daddy does! He is a good man who loves unconditionally. After you were born, I saw a side of daddy that made me love him even more. He is such a good daddy! He would hold you, sing to you, and cry over you. Daddy and I never thought that there could be so much room in our hearts, but then you came and our hearts grew.

As you know, mommy and daddy are having another baby. This isn’t to replace you, as some people have speculated. You know that no one can replace you! You are the one and only Brendan Shaun! We are having another baby to celebrate life. We want to have a big family. When mommy and daddy got married, we wanted 3 kids. Now we want 4. You are, hopefully, going to have 3 brothers and sisters living on this earth. Your brothers and sisters are going to have an angel with them all the time. I know that you are going to be a great big brother.

We think about you all the time, we laugh about the funny times we had with you. Daddy likes to laugh about your weak little cry. After you had your surgery, you were so weak and I am sure that it hurt to put a ton of umph behind your cries. But it was so funny to hear your little whimper. You were like a little puppy. Eventually your cries got stronger, and you let us know when you didn’t like something. For example, baths, and getting your diaper changed. When you were at home you would scream your head off! But we will never forget that tiny little puppy whimper.

Three months is such a short time, but when you were here it seemed even shorter. Your daddy and I have tried to live life to the fullest since you died. We want to enjoy everything that God has given us. I know that you are happy in heaven. You are an angel that gets to sing and dance and be with Jesus. I couldn't ask for anything more.

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